Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Years Eve

My Mothers eyes picture taken by Ava



I haven't written that much this month. I think mostly because I am trying my hardest to pull my socks up and enjoy Christmas. To enjoy and appreciate the things I do have. So here are the things I am thankful and appreciative of.




I have Tim. Tim and I may fight but i know fighting is healthy. Tim loves me and I love Tim. I often wonder if he actually knew what he was signing up for when he asked me to Marry him. I to this day hope he still is happy with his decision. Without Tim in my life I don't know if this year was even possible to take on. Tim has a way of just holding me. I am much bigger then him but his arms feel so strong when he puts them around me. I feel so safe and he offers me this place with him. I love when Tim looks at me and smiles. Tim may not talk about feelings or clean or do things I wish he did. I guess if he did those things maybe I wouldn't like him as much.


I love you Tim thank you for loving me.




I have my children. Children are the only unconditionally love you will ever experience in your life. I have really found this out. No matter how much your children may upset you or disappoint you you love them. My children have not reached those teenager year yet but the are starting to build there own characters. Jacob my little smart man who is kind and thoughtful of those around them. Ava my princess, The girl was brought on this earth to be selfless and kind. I have never met a kinder girl and I hope the bitterness kind people sometimes get will never change that greatness about her. Liam... my joker. Liam brightens my day with his off the wall remarks and his either bravery or stupidity (I am not sure what it is yet) of living in Liam land. I for see a busy future with teacher meetings with that one. But he sure can make me laugh.




My Friends. One thing is so very true and I will always acknowledge. When a woman has a family and a husband what she needs is a strong backbone. A woman needs good girlfriends. Girlfriends that acknowledge there own flaws and accept them. Girlfriends that realize not everyone does everything right but in time everyone will find a answer as long as no one places judgment on them. Sometimes a girl needs to drink but that girl also needs a friend to pick her up and have a coffee with her. She needs to not always hear what is wrong with her and how to fix it. Just someone to relay the frustrations and give you acknowledgment that what your feeling is ok. Feelings are ok. No one can be happy all the time. Without a bit of sadness how would we ever know when we are truly happy?




My Family. This year has been incredibly hard on my family. To be a surviving sibling. To watch my Moms eyes change. To see that little sparkle completely blank out. I know my Mom loves my youngest brother and I. I also knows she misses Markus so bad that a piece of her may never return. To be honest with you a piece of me is never going to return. Watching my Mom this year has really proven to me she is a very strong woman. People always say if I lost any of my children I would die. That that is there worst fear. It is my worst fear. I also know I have no choice over this. People die. People can die unfairly, untimely, and they can die with never having contentment. My Dad has had a rough year. I watch him mourn quietly while my Mom mourns a bit louder and he focuses on making her happy. My heart aches every time I see my parents or Little Brother because this loss made a big hole in our lives. I am still thankful we are all here though. I am thankful that part of us pulled together this year.




I have never felt so lost and completely useless until this year. I have learned a lot about myself this year. I am wise. I don't think people just say that to other people. I have been told for a long time I was wise but I never believed it. I was wise enough to realize I helpless over this situation and I seeked out help. I was wise enough to trust someone and letting them help me. I was wise enough to still love my children and husband during this very dark time. I was wise enough to allow myself to cry in front of my friends. This year was about falling into a darkness and learning how strong people really are. How strong I really am. Even though I no problem letting someone else take the roped for a while. I am still here. I will be returning to work in a few days.


My brother maybe gone but he still lives. He lives through my Mom and Me and my Dad, my children, my little brother and all the people he has meet through out his short life. I will keep my living memoriam for him. I will still talk about drug abuse and how it affected my life. I will still reach out to others that need a listening ear. I will be a better Mom because Markus was proud of me and the type of mother I am. 2010 starts tonight at midnight. I look forward to 2010. A new decade. A new wiser, stronger person I have found in myself. So my final blog of 2009 I will leave off with I love you all. Sometimes we may never know the strength we carry but you may surprise yourself when you find it.




Anyways Markus I love you . Happy New year!




Love your little sister Karra




Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Its been a long time


My desktop has been offline so I haven't written in a while.


I celebrated Markus's birthday on Novemeber 24. I actually celebrated it I didn't feel so alone and sad. I drove out to a place where we use to camp by and left him a card and flowers on a cliff above the waterfall. I visited my grandparents graves and left them flowers and a note too. I went to a very nice bakery and bought a very yummy Black forrest cake(Markus's favourite) and we ordered chinese food and ate together as a family. I guess my Mom took my kids outside where there yelled up to the sky "Happy Birthday Uncle Markus!" Liam made him a present that he wanted Grandma to send to Uncle Markus in heaven. Next year my Mom plans on buying helium balloons and letting the kids to write messages for him. I did really good on his birthday.


The next day though. I cried a lot.
I have been volunteering at the Drop In Center in the Art Studio. I have been signing art I have done with Eternal Pursuit. That was Markus's email address. I thought I have forgotten about how much I knew about art. Its coming back.
Anyways, I love you Markus

Monday, November 9, 2009

Filling my Pockets with Rocks

So I have been having a lot of nightmares lately. One that really bothered me was I was standing at a river and it was cold out and I started picking up big rocks and filling my pockets. I could feel the wind on my face and its icy sting. The river was moving fast and it was Autumn. I could see the leaves were all gold and brown. I was filling my coat pockets and my pants pockets with these icy rocks. I didn't care that I was about to walk into the river. I didn't care I was a Mom and daughter of parents who lost a child. I didn't care people loved me and were going to be mad at me. Then I woke up. I felt so ashamed of myself for even dreaming such a thing. I am not suicidal and I kept it to myself. It was a heavy dream that kept creeping up to me when I was awake. The sting, the sound and the colours of the leaves and the river.

I went to grief counselling today. Actually I went to my one on one therapy and I started my Sibling loss support group as well. That was 3 hours of therapy in total today. I told my one on one therapist about my dream. How it bugged me. How I felt ashamed of my subconscious for even thinking it. I also told him how everything right now is overwhelming me. I talked about how Tim is getting worn out. I understand this but it makes me so sad and stressed out. He sits up late at night and doesn't come to bed until long after I am asleep. I need to respect his space. Its months of dealing with me and all my anxieties, depression and impulsion. I also told my therapist that Markus's birthday is coming up. November 24th. I am so sad about this. I don't wanna be alone that day but truth is people work. I told him my Mom has H1N1. How I try hard not to read the media's overview of this but I can;t help but read it. I told him about the start of Volunteering at the Drop In center and working in the art center as part of my back to work therapy. I told him how I feel like I am failing at being a good friend to my friends. I feel like I am stepping a few steps back on my therapy.

Then at the end on the session he said so now do you know why you dreamt about filling your pockets with rocks? Your carrying a lot of emotions. Your walking straight into a river and you feel like your going to drown no matter what people may think. He talked to me about making plans to lighten the load. I have no idea what I am going to do. But I am sure glad he understood I am not suicidal just overwhelmed. I am glad he could help me understand that dream.

Anyways Markus, I love you

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Volunteering

So I went for a Volunteer orientation at the Drop In Center. I am kind of disappointed in myself of being afraid of walking into the building. I know its not exactly the safest place in the world to be but driving isn't the safest thing in the world either. The orientation was 3 hours long and part of it was to help hand out meals to the clients. We got a tour of the facility and where the greatest needs for volunteers are. There on a locked floor in the back was a very small art studio. It is run completely on volunteers and donated supplies. I found out right now that it is only open one day a week because one volunteer can only make it that day. Most of the clients at the drop in center aren't even aware of its existence because of the lack of volunteers in there. So I guess that where I am going.

I stood there staring at the artwork already presented. The extreme loneliness of being homeless. I can't imagine the ignorance they must endure when they leave the building. I can picture people crossing the sidewalk because a homeless person is walking down the street or people yelling at them to get a job. Actually there are 2 floors in the center that are transitional beds. These people are the working poor. They ride there donated bikes or take transit to get to work. They work but they cannot afford housing. They are waiting for low income housing to open up. They have to follow strict rules before there application to be on these floors are even considered.

Then there is the floor for the addicts. Every shelter in this city will not allow a person under the influence into there building no matter how cold it is. The drop in center has a area for them. They of course aren't allowed to bring substances in the building but at least they have a warm place to sleep. Maybe I am crazy for volunteering here. Maybe I am selfish in the way that I wanted to give back to a place that housed my brother. I wish I wasn't afraid of the large amount of mentally ill people there is there. Its not there fault. If it wasn't for Tim in my life right now I can easily see myself in one of those beds. With how I shut down this year and how my brain kind of gave up for a while. It only takes a unfortunate event and months of convincing yourself your worthless to be there. I know I have to put on my thick skin to go there. I also have to put away the need to save them all too. Just sit and make them feel human again. I know sometimes that is all I want to feel.

Anyways, I love you Markus.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Sometimes I wonder?

You know late at night when it is all quiet you have no choice but to listen to your inner monologue. I sit here and wonder? Is there someone out there that thinks about me? Its is a conceited thought but is it possible at this moment is someone thinking about me? I know I think about a lot of people it may surprise some people that I think about them but I do. My birthday was this week. I like to say I turned 29 again for the 4th time but the truth is I turned 32. I spent the day by having a bubble bath, wearing my pajamas all day and order Vietnamese for take out. At the end of the day I felt guilty (Tim said we are 2,500 from being homeless) and I turned another year closer to Markus age (died at 34). Plus my birthday means his is next. November 24th. I sat crying. I crawled into bed and I cried so hard I had the ugly cry. I mean snot dripping out and sobbing so hard that your pillow is saturated with tears. Tim had no idea I cried that hard because he sat downstairs playing video games. Some ways I am glad he ignores my sadness. He stares at me in frustration and just wants me to be better. Sometimes I just need to cry. Sometimes I need to be held too. Sometimes I need to be assured I am ok and worth his time. Doesn't everyone feel the need to be wanted? I know this is a ongoing task for many people out there. I will tell you this... Tim is the only person I know who has held out with my lack of impulse control and my inattentiveness and still looks at me and tells me I am good for him. I don't think there is any one else out there that could handle this? I admit... I suffer so bad from this that everyone would have given up by now. Everyone except for Erin. I love her. I thank God for her. I thank God for Tim too. I thank God for my kids who love me even when I make no sense.

Its Thanksgiving on Monday. I guess this year its hard because I don't feel thankful but I know I should. I am alive. I have healthy kids and a husband that loves me. I have a great group of friends who do drop everything to aid me. I should be more thankful. There is a roof over my head. I breathe without trouble. I am loved and I love back.

Anyways Markus, I love you. Happy Thanksgiving.... Your little sister.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Nightmares.

So I have this wicked cough. I get pounding headaches and I feel like I am drowning in my own saliva. Tim got it a few weeks before me and we joke that it is swine flu. A problem with this cough is its hard to stay asleep at night. You wake up coughing with every muscle you have. Last night I decided to sleep on the couch as Tim has finally starting beating this thing. So I wake up every 20-30 minutes coughing and holding my head so the pounding can stop for a minute.

I had nightmares all night. I mean all night. I was brought back to just after Markus died. That extreme pain and loneliness. That complete and absolute sorrow. It hurts so bad to think back on it. It still hurts but with my therapy I am starting to see a light a bit. The nightmares all night though kind of threw my day off. I didn't want to move. Its just real, Markus is really dead. Its sad when you wake up from a nightmare and realize nothing has changed. I will not speak to Markus again or hug him ever..... ever.... I will never have a recovered brother. I will not see this one addiction beat. I know its true. When living with a addict in your life you are just as sick. I am finally really seeing that. I also know in my own recovery of grief I will have fall backs. Days of complete misery because another day I am alive and Markus is dead. I cannot change anything about that. I can only except never having a answer and remembering him for all he taught me.

Nightmares are nightmares. Sometimes we wake up and we totally still involved in a living one. Sometimes we wake and maybe disturbed by our own monsters but we are safe in our beds. All I truly know is you can't just stop feeling. Maybe excepting all our feelings, even the ones that scare us and make us so depressed we can barely move is ok. Just know that at some point we also get great feelings. For example. ... Tim pulling me close to him and stroking my hair. Liam coming out of no where and wrapping his arms around me to tell me Mommy I really love you. Ava in her sweet voice talking about her stuffed animals and giving them names like cuddles. Or Jacob with such strong leadership skills that he volunteers helping the autistic kids at school and he never once told me to brag. He just does it because he likes it. Those are good feelings. Nightmares eventually fade. I will never forget Markus. Not ever.

Anyways , I love you Markus

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Maybe a Change?

A few things that may ring true to anyone that has dealt with a Addict in there life that may be living or have passed on was brought to me by my therapist .She recommended to me a book called Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. It is a fathers story of living with a meth addicted son and the powerless struggle a Fathers has. Anyways the reason she recommended it was because there are no answers or rules to addiction. I have read a lot of books from the addicts point of view. I have never read anything from the people who lived with addicts. So I never had any answers on how to cope and what I was feeling .Here is a couple excerpts from the book

"Anyone who has lived through it, or those who are now living through it, knows that caring about an addict is as complex and fraught and debilitating as addiction itself. At my worst, I even resented Nic because an addict, at least when high, has momentary respite from his suffering. There is no similar relief for parents or children or husbands or wives or others who love them."

"I became addicted to my child's addiction. When it preoccupied me, even at the expense of my responsibilities to my wife and other children, I justified it. I thought, How can a parent not be consumed by his child's life-or-death struggle"

"in order to make sense of something that cannot be made sense of is common in the families of addicts, but it's not all we do. We deny the severity of our loved ones problem, not because we are naive, but because we can't know."

I have these things highlighted. I have them highlighted because for me it spoke so loudly and hit home. I felt so guilty because I truly felt if I just tried harder Markus would have been alive. I truly believed if I didn't chose my own children and husband over him he would be here today. My therapist told me.... "Karra even if you gave up everything for him the result would have been the same maybe a few months later or years. Markus needed to do it. He had to find that grace to stop. No one else could have fixed it." I know I resented when people said it before. I said you don't know our family. I am finally starting to understand how true what she said to me was. 7 months and for some reason that statement is something I am starting to believe. I was just as sick from my brothers addiction as he was. I may not have spiked needles in my arm but I lived day after day sick with worry and guilt and how I could possibly help him. I did feel like a failure as a sister. I worried and tried to unlock the enigma of why and what would have caused such severe pain in him to even start doing hard core drugs. I now know this is a useless journey. I will never have a answer because addiction is senseless. The truth is a majority of real drug addictions are not the poor and destitute. They are highly intelligent, successful people that everyone views as high achievers. They are people other people generally look up to as role models. This is where most addictions are actually found. I have decided to make a living memoriam to my brother. There is nothing I can do to bring him back but I can take some of the wisdom he has given me and let that live on. I am starting to volunteer at the homeless shelter and food bank. Markus believed in me as a good mother and person. I have been so hyper focused on his death that I have not been living my life. I am/was avoiding life. How is that doing anyone any good? Living doesn't mean I don't miss him. Living doesn't mean I have just forgotten. Making changes in things I truly believe in is a way to embrace Markus.

Anyways, I love you Markus

Friday, September 18, 2009

This Week

I have been very troubled this week. Lost in my thoughts. My counselling appointment this week was on Monday and today is Friday. This week in counselling we talked a lot about acute grief and the stages I need to come too to start healing. I have to come to acceptance that I will never have a answer to Markus's death. She also talked to me about making a living memoriam to him. To put myself into something he would be proud of and I can say I am doing this for Markus. She mentioned maybe it should be my children as Markus has said he is so proud of me and as a Mother and he really loved my kids. Surprisingly this made me sad all week. Instead of throwing myself into this idea I have recoiled and slept and barely been able to talk to those around me. I want to hide. I love my children. I haven't been able to really commit to anything lately. Well at all. Commitment just isn't a part of me right now. I hate failing and I let so many people down if I commit and back down. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for this. I am endlessly apologizing for my lack of effort. I just wish there was a box I can crawl into and come out of when I am ready and not disappoint anyone else until that day. We also talked about my open minded nature. How I look at every ones faults and except them either way but I cannot do this for myself. I am too hard on myself. I am hard on myself. I hate being pathetic and weak. Right now I am both of those things. Its hard to just let go. Maybe someone will come along and give me great advice soon that will hit home. Where I can just let go... Until then I think I like the box idea.

Anyways Markus, I love you.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Second Skin

I've thought about it a million times
It takes all my strength just to keep it calm
I have to tell myself, just let it breathe
holding it inside will only help to do me in
Each time I close my eyes I see another chain
it's one I can't forget, something I can not break out of
I need a second skin, something to hold me up
can't seem to get out of this hole
I've dug myself right back in
Just to wake up tells me I must be brave
It hits me like a drug shot into my vein
It's not as delightful of a pain
immobilizing meal most makes me think I'm dead
I need a second skin something to hold me tough
Can't do it on my own sometimes I need just a little more help
I want that chance to give every drop that's left in me
I need a second skin something I can not break out of
I tell myself, just let it breathe
It's a calmness I'm always searching for
But the dirt it gets so heavy it falls above my head
seeping from under my feet it just keeps on getting deeper
I need a second skin something to hold me tough
Can't do it on my own sometimes I need just a little more help
I've got that chance to give every drop that's left in me
I need a second skin something I cannot break free of
Though no one ever said it'd be easy
Still one's left to deny the choice that comes between your willingness to survive
Though you're knowing what you stand up against a world set to deceive
You need a special strength
I've got that second skin
I've got that chance to give
I've got the only way that I know how to live with it
I need a second skin something to hold me tough
I need a second skin something I cannot break out of

-Mia Zapata

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

11 Years ago

11 years ago at exactly this time I thought I was ruining my life. I was in labour with my first baby. I was 20 years old. I was about to become a single Mom. I was in so much pain and I was so afraid of what lied ahead of me. A baby. Every young persons fear. To be alone and to anticipate what most people find the most important day of there own life. I watched the clock. So I remember my feelings at each hour. The torment of contractions. The fear of having a baby coming out of my body. Little did I know my life wasn't ending it was just beginning. I was going to have a true purpose. A true reason to excel.

I remember looking up at my Daddies eyes. He was so afraid. He was so worried about my pain. He held my hand silently through every contraction. My Mom was there too. Waiting and filled with excitement that her first grandchild was going to be born. A pivotal point in every ones life. I had no idea how much things would change. I knew they would I just didn't know how much they would. I didn't know it was actually going to get better to be Mother. To let go and love so freely. Thank you Jacob for coming into my life. Everyday you brighten my world. You gave and still give me focus. I true unconditional love. Eternally your mother with so much love and gratitude.

Anyways Markus, I love you

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Counselling.

So I went to counselling meeting yesterday. It went well except for the fact I had to drive deerfoot. Deerfoot sets of so much panic for me. I was so scared that I would have to drive home after my appointment because it was 4pm. Rush hour is hell for me. The road is so congested with impatient drivers going very fast speeds. I am so afraid I find I am swerving to avoid unpredictable drivers which all said and done makes me a unpredictable driver. I am so afraid because of my fear that I will cause a accident. My therapist was actually really helpful in making me face the irrational thoughts that I have when driving in fast paced congested traffic. We talked about hoe many accidents I have been in and how many fatal accidents actually happen compared to the amount of people on the road. She also gave me a very good piece of advice.... stop reading the newspaper and watching the news.

We also talked about me writing here. About putting all my thoughts so any one can see it and maybe i was holding back and not being honest in my writing in fear someone may judge me. I did tell here I like writing here and if she ever read this she would see I don't hold back. I say it no matter how bad I feel. How guilty and sad my thoughts can be I still put it down. I know I am not the only person that ever thinks these kind of thoughts. I think if more people were honest we wouldn't feel nearly as crazy or out of control in our own lives. Unfortunately the truth is people are generally guarded because they don't want to be labelled as faulty in anyway even though everyone will admit to feeling faulty. I guess part of our journey in life is to just let go and ideals and enjoy ourselves. Seriously. Sounds simple but we are human. We feel guilt, rage, incompetence, jealousy and sadness. I think being a woman I am consumed more by these feelings. I do do things out of guilt and a feeling of obligation then just saying no.

Which brings up the next thing we talked about. I stay up very late. I stay up late to cry. I don;t mean the tear rolling down my cheek sad I mean the ugly cry. The snot bubble cry. The kind of cry when our outsides feel like they are coming out of our stomachs and into every loud weep and breath a piece of my heart and being is released. I don't like crying in front of other people. I am ok with the tear rolling down my cheek cry but that other cry makes people uncomfortable. I know it does because when I see people cry like that I do everything to make them feel better. So I cry all by myself. We talked about what does this do crying in this deep sorrow by myself. First all waiting for people to be absent so I can do this is telling myself I am ashamed of being sad. I ashamed to admit that grief hurts so bad I must grieve in complete loneliness. Its my own fault that I can't simply pull up my socks and move on. This is not true but it is. We are taught that grief is private and should be done alone. The question is why? If friends are really friends then they can share your grief and help you. They themselves will have to feel this kind of grief one day. Without having a example of grieving and kind of a guideline they too can feel alone and overwhelmed past a logical place. This made sense to me. I have never been a solitary person so why do I feel the need to be one now. We also talked about how unproductive the next day of staying up late crying can effect my family. They don't get Mom or Wife. The get tired ready to cry again woman. She really wants me to cry more is what she got to. That I am still in acute grief and I have a lot of steps I need to do before I can find some sense of peace. So here I am writing. Trying not to forget what I learned. I will leave those thoughts there.

Anyways, I love you Markus

Monday, August 31, 2009

My friends.



Today I want to remind myself about my friends. I am going on 6 months from Markus's death and even though my grief can make me feel so lonely I have had a awesome group of people around me. Seriously without all of them I probably would have been committed by now. I keep myself surrounded by such amazing people and I forget to tell them that sometimes. They will promote good days and come over and be there on bad days and in between days. They come over clean my house on days I can barely function but also will just sit and listen. They let me have panic attacks and still come back after they have witnessed them. They let me have my own personal guard down and never take advantage of that. I guess I don't normally carry that guard anyways but I always have had a bit of one. I think everyone does. Not one of them would kick me when I am down. They aren't tallying points of how much they do for me or vice versa. Friendships that close are so rare and to have a group of that is unimaginable in most peoples lives. I am so fortunate to have them. I cherish that.




I went camping this weekend. One night. I have had such a bad week up until then I didn't know if I was going to be able to do it. So you know what 3 of my friends did. They came with me. Those 3 barely knew the other people there but they came. They supported me. Erin and Angel went the night before because they honestly love camping but Jessica drove out with me. I know its good for me to have the exposure. Prior to all of this I was a very social person. I was also a very happy and content person. Now I am afraid people just hate me. That is the kind of negative thinking that comes with depression. Normally I don't really care if people don't like me. Seriously... I didn't care at all. Now I obsess about it at home. I rather stay in my house then go out and make people hate me. I know this is unhealthy thinking. The truth is that is depression.




Camping was good. I was comfortable enough that I didn't feel the need to hide or go home. Katharine is such a Mama bear making me supper and coffee and reminding me to eat. I am glad she invited me. She is such a good person. I am glad she is in my life. I did suffer a huge panic attack driving home. I pulled to the side of the highway and took a xanax until the anxiety and shaking came down enough that I could finish driving home. I made it home and slept. Anxiety does that. It makes you so sleepy that it felt like you ran a marathon. The truth is, its because your body kind of just did run a marathon. Your adrenaline pumps up, your heart races and your breathing is laboured. Your body is actually moving into flight mode. To protect you from danger. The problem with anxiety is there is no danger.... you just feel like there is.




Anyways. I love my friends. I honour them. I am so glad they are there.. all of them, in all there different degrees of friendship. Without any of them I don't know where I would be. Thank you all. Sincerely. I love you all.




Anyways, I love Markus.


P.S I really miss you right now too.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I have been having a lot of Pain.

I have had a lot of pain in my left shoulder just under my breast and armpit. I am told this is anxiety. If I am not allowing the attacks to go full blown this is what I can have instead. My Left arm goes numb. I can't breathe deep or cough. I can barely lift my arm. Fun hey. What else can my body throw at me? Seriously?

I was just looking at Markus's memorial page. Its so hard to see his picture. I was starring at the last picture on there. Of Rick , Myself and Markus 6 weeks before he passed away. If I only knew then what I know now. Maybe I wouldn't look so pissed. Maybe I wouldn't resent Markus putting his arm around me. I was so mad that day. I was sad I lost my Unlce but I was mad my Mom took a picture of us there. I guess its good now. We have that one picture of all three of us. The last picture of all three of us. Its so weird. Only 2 now. Doesn't seem right. None of this seems right.

People keep calling me this week and I haven't been answering the phone. I haven't even been returning phone calls. How bad of me. I just don't wanna to talk to any more insurance people or back to work plans. I kind of don't want to do anything anymore. As I can see now my anxiety has built into severe pain. Is this a better solution then full blown anxiety attacks? Who knows. People say take my time. Then I get told that I need to learn to cope. Really I just wanna fade away. Fading away just seems better right now.

Someone told me last week they are trying to turn a new leaf. I pictured a beautiful green leaf turning red, then golden, then brown then eventually turning into dust. I know they ment something different. They want to make positive choices. Its hard right now to think about change at all. I have had to endure such drastic changes right now. Well the last couple months. I am kind of sick of all this. Maybe I need to look at my life and what I truly value. Maybe I should be at least be making a plan for a future without anxiety and grief.

Anyways Markus, I love you

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Markus's Journal

I knew my brother wrote a journal on and off during his life. I knew that in his worst of times this would of been a hard time to write. I also knew I should never read them and I made my Mom promise that if she ever found any of his journals that she should burn them. That no one should ever know what his drug induced mind full of self hatred and blame should ever be reveal. It would do nothing but hurt. Markus's journal was found and my Mom handed it to me and asked me to pass it on to his fiance. I passed it on to her the beginning of this week(she is in town visiting) and I came up to the room she was staying in and she said I should read it. Some of it made no sense but there was a entry she wanted me to read. Here it is... I am typing it so I never forget it.... It will be gone with her when she leaves for California and I never ever want to forget this entry. Its hard enough that she will have his handwriting with his thoughts no matter how confused they sound later in his journal but I hear his voice reading it... its like he is here talking to me again.... so......


Sept 23/05


Wow, what misery,and so much prosperity. I don't remember ever having such a great deal of both at the same time. Karra, I have never once intended to really hurt you. Even when, I picked on you and Rick when we were young. Never once did I actually assault you with mean intentions. I just lost some of my control, yet not all of it. I have never tried to completely tried to punch your face in, which is what I would have done if I had lost all control. The truth is I couldn't because I loved you too much. As confusing and ironic as that sounds. I mean I know you remember me as a bully. Truth is, I hated myself. Believe me when I tell you that this is the reason I was so cruel to you. I love you so much. You are an amazing woman and Mother. You inspire me! Honestly you help me more than you know. Thank you for being you.

This was written a couple years ago but it has sent me in tears. I hope when Markus passed this year he knows how much I truly loved him. I am so sorry I didn't do more. It haunts me everyday that I didn't give my soul to continue on. I rather be a zombie then Markus dead. I am a zombie anyways without him.


Anyways Markus, I love you!

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Another day of finding the right words to write.


So here I am at 3:20am I have a lot to talk about from my last post but finding the right words to write isn't always easy. To find the right words to find perfection, understanding and wisdom doesn't always come so easy. So I will just write. If genius hits me I will be lucky but truefully I just wanna hit my pure raw emotions. I am having a hard time right now. I wanna make postive changes in my own life. I wanna follow rules. I want to be a functional part of society. Seriously all of these "wants" scares the shit out of me. It really does. I can't cope if a random strange child starts crying in a mall because he or she didn't get what he wanted. My body goes into a primal instinct and eithers wants to fight or flight and I end up shaking like a weird torrets syndrome victim......... shaking and hiding. I don't know where I am. I can't see straight. I am instantly tired and feel super drunk and I am embaressed. I kind of think, this is what it would feel like if you pissed your pants in a public place in front of everyone.

Here I am trying to cope with my life. Really trying to except my brother is dead. I have very loving and understanding people around me. I feel I tire them either way. I feel like I need to crawl into a box and sleep a thousand years until none of my feelings matter. Here I am brought up like I am important, and I mean something deeper and I will make a change in the world. I do not want this pressure on my shoulders. I kind of want everyone to go away. I love my friends. I don't love thinking all the negative reactions I get thinking about offending and hurting people after I talk to them. It kind of consummes me everyday. I guess what it comes down to is I cannot cope with life. I know I am not living. I am breathing and pretending. Abandoment is a real issue. I have huge abandoment issues right now. I kind of feel ( not that I would act on it) like I should just fade away. I should become a quieter person in my world. I have always been a leader naturally and I don't want that responsibilty anymore. I want to fade in the background and want someone else to pull the reigns.

I had a dream about Markus. That 5 months has passed and he was in a coma. My Mom and I went to visit him and he woke up. He was still mad at me. He still blamed me for all of it but he was alive and I had a huge sense of relief. (when Markus was in a coma after his heroin overdose I guiltily admit I hoped he would go, so I no longer had to worry anymore about what he was doing and possibilty hurting people. He had a huge possibilty of commiting major crimes for drugs). He was mad still in my dream but I was happy he was alive. In my dream he shot my youngest son up with Heorin and my Mom was there yelling at me that it wasn't a big deal and it was ok. I guess I am still mad at everyone for the roles they played in my brothers life. I guess truefully that is what my dream told me. It still makes me guilty. I still feel like it was my fault.

My youngest son just turned 5. I remember 5 being my favorite birthday as it is the same number on my birthdate. October 5th. We went bowling and it was fun. Later that night my husband teased me about me being the oldest person in the room as October 5th is coming up and I will be 32. I yelled back "fuck you as if I am 32."! It hit home. I stopped aging when Markus died. I forgot that everyday I wake up it is another day of me growing older. Today I have cried all day about being abandoned by my big brother and I was growing older. Seriously I just want to be ok. I want to accept my life and all its beauty it has to offer.


I will right more about my family reunion the next post About how hard it is to accept some one is missing on that family tree.




Anyways Markus, I love you.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

About to go out.

I am about to go out to a concert. I am so unsettled and pacing. I can't control it and I want to be ok. Who knew tramatic loss can make a panic disorder. Who knew? I sure as hell didn't. Why don't they teach this in school in the life skills part. That grief can blindside you and make you become this way. They really should. That way no one has to feel like they are cracking up. I promise myself I will have fun. I promise I will settle. I promise. Now to tell my body the same thing. I am safe. This is fun. I don't have to be scared. No one is going to hurt or harm me in any way. Life is to live not hide.

Anyways. I love you Markus

Monday, July 27, 2009

Went to the doctors today.

I went to my family doctor today. I got to read the results of my Psyc. consult. It is amazing how they can generalize you in a hour. Scary actually. I am a little overwhelmed but she was accurate enough. I talked to my doctor today about leaving for my 14 hour car trip to Manitoba for my family reunion. He said just don't go. I told him I can't I promised my Mom I would go. I really wish I could afford plane tickets though. The drive is going to be unbearable. The family will be overwhelming. I know there will be a lot of people coming to give me condolences over Markus. That scares me. I know I am going to cry a lot or drink even more so I don't cry. It is going to be rough. I am going to feel really uncomfortable. Oh I hope Tim can anchor me well. Hold me and tell me I am beautiful and I will be ok. I just wanna be a good person. I just wanna be ok. I don't want to have anxiety anymore. I also don't want a dead brother. I guess I can't change that.

I went to my friends Angels stagette on Friday. We went to strippers and I ordered a tarot reader for before that. She read people more then the cards but everyone enjoyed there reading over all. She told me some stuff. I am remembering bits and pieces. I was pretty well into drinking by the time she read me. I had fun and a slow next day.

Is it possible that I will feel ok? Soon? Is it possible that I get a grasp on my own life? That I can take my children out for outings again? I miss the mountains and zoo and just plain having fun with them. I love them so much. I look at them I hope I never have to go through with what my Mom is going through right now. I really don't have much to say today. Just wanted to journal a bit so I don't miss too much. I feel if I don't get my thoughts out on paper I will forget them. Well in this case on my computer screen.

Anyways, I love you Markus.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Taking one day at a time.

I am told not to be too hard on myself. This is a hard task. We are told to strive and push through the pain when we excersise. We are told to study and acheive good grades. We are told to live every day like it is our last. We are told to treat our world with dignity and respect. We are told to live life to fulliest. We are told to fulfill our destinies. Right now I am told to not be hard on myself. I am not living. I am wandering through a haze of breathing. Of pretending I am ok. I barely smile anymore. I talk with a low and unenergetic voice. I am bored but I am unmotivated. If I died tomorrow I would regret the last few months of breathing. Of not living. I just can't seem to pull myself up.

I am going to start some thearpy soon though. I want this panic attack thing done with and gone. Buried away as a unpleasant memory. I want to live. I want to watch my kids and smile. I want to cry because a movie is sad not because everything reminds me of Markus. Markus this and Markus that. Why do we become so obsessed with a dead person. Why do they take all our thoughts away. Its like he took all my memory and made it about him. It still hurts looking at his picture. I am tearing up right now thinking about him. His laugh, his smile, his wittiness. Oh God I miss him so much. Really the rest of my life without him. My big brother. Fuck you Markus for leaving me here like this. Fuck you.

Anyways, I love you Markus.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

2am

2am the world is so quiet. The light pollution ruins the night sky but I still see the stars and I look up wondering if there is God, if there is life beyond me. I sometimes wish I could just know this so I can look up and see Markus. To know he is here, beside me in my quiet moments. In my awe moments. In my wonderings so maybe someone else I love that I long for can hold my thought. To hold this moment with me. Just little star in the sky look down.... the only thing greater then you I found. I wrote that in a song after my son was born. Now I want it to mean something else. Sometimes it is so overwhelming to remember Markus is really gone and I have to be without him for the rest of my life.

I watched a movie today about a dead girl. She was a prostitute and there was 4 stories written about her death made a mark on peoples lives. This made me sad because how did Markus death effect people? People say they feel so bad for me that I have to know what a tramatic loss is like. I know I felt bad about the movie but I never thought it would happen to me and wrapping my brain around it hurts so bad because I don't wanna except it. Even though I have no choice. This is hard.

Anyways, I love you Markus

Monday, July 13, 2009

Back from Vacation


So I went on Vacation. Well if you wanna call it that. I love the place I went. I love the people I visited but I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted to come home everyday. I wanted to lie in bed next to Tim. I wanted the comfort of my home. I stayed because my kids love where we went. It is in the Okanogan in BC, Canada. It is a beautiful place as seen in the picture above. I tried my best to just relax and enjoy myself. I had a panic attack 10 minutes before I left. I had to calm myself down and start driving. Its hard to know I had a 8 hour car ride in front of me when I just had a attack. I am so exhausted by the attacks that I didn't think I was going to make the drive through the mountains. When I pulled out of my friends driveway 3 little birds came on my ipod. I started to cry. I knew I was going to be ok Bob Marley told me Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is going to be alright. I decided after that I am not going to worry about being crazy and thinking is this a message from my brother. If it gave me comfort and helped me calm down because I beleived it was a message I will take it.

I started Grief Counselling today. He told me to give myself a year. 5 months into this is nothing and I have made a lot of progress from me pushing myself. That there fear of leaving my home and panic attacks are very common in tramatic deaths. That they come on because no one likes surprises and in unexpected death we feel hopeless and out of control. We couldn't control our own loss so people cope by staying home referred to as cocooning. Panic comes from the unknown and the inability to control our enviroment. It is why leaving our homes become a issue we don't want any unexpected. This is a good thing to know.

We talked about how grief especially in my life can really put a strain on my relationship with Tim. That he just wants me to be back to who I was before. That he would feel hopeless and lost in how to help me. How to comfort me and how to deal with my new mental disorders. I should make more time for Tim and I and go on dates. This also sounds like something I will make a effort to do. He referred to deep grief like standing in the middle of a rushing river. You are paniked and you want to find your safety. You will slowly make your way to safety but all you really wanna do is to turn your back on it and let it take you away instead of fighting the current and slips and falls. So you should never turn your back on the river. After all it is a river and it does what it has to do.

I also told him to deal with the stress of being in public I drink. He said this is also common and you need to do what you have to do to get through it. I should keep it in check but not to worry. If it became something that you had to do to wake up or to maintain yourself daily then that becomes a problem. We all cope in our owns ways and we all cope with what works for us. Thank God. Someone understands this. I told him my worry is having a addict as my brother and my fear of bcoming him. He understood.

Anyways I love you Markus

Monday, June 29, 2009

Going on vacation


I am going on vacation from July 1-9th. I am going to Okanogan and I hope everything goes ok. I have been pushing myself to do more things. I am still having panic attacks and all. I went to a play last night. It was called Evil Dead the musical. It was really funny and I was with great company. I know I drink to much and I have been saying no more to drinking. I just really really like the way I feel being all carefree when I drink. I know this will be a issue if I don't become more conservative. So I will cut down again. I cannot risk a addiction. Its a crutch for sure. I also went to Fleetwood Mac during the week. For the first time I cried at a concert. I mean cried cried. Bawled. Funny how emotional I have become. I think its good though. Let it all out whenever I can otherwise I will keep it in and act out. I don't need that. No one needs me to act out.

I went for another Psyc consult. It went ok except for the part when I got there I was in a full blown panic attack. That is never fun. It aches. Last night as I was falling asleep I thought again, I really did lose my big brother. I hate how that one thought likes to come in my brain as I am falling asleep. Like I need reminding. He has been gone 4 months yesterday. 4 months of trying to look forward to the time where I can breathe and think of him without crying and without all the hurt and guilt I feel.

I try watching intervention like I use to but now I find I am pissed off when I watch it. These families are deseperate for the family members to get clean and they do. They get them back. I wonder after the show how many go back. How many lie later saying they are still clean. How many will relapse and die. Morbid thinking I know. Its terrible. I am mad because they get them back either way. I will never get Markus back. I have to go for the rest of my life without him. I have to watch myself so I don't follow in that trap. I admit I drink a lot. I admit it. I know. My crutch. My crutch to feel relaxed. Its kind of pathetic and I feel pathetic.

Anyways, I love you Markus

Monday, June 22, 2009

Losing a Sibling

Reading this at least gave me some reassurance that I am human.

Death of a sibling

The loss of a sibling is a devastating event and sibling grief is often a disenfranchised type of grief (especially with regard to adult siblings) in that it is overlooked by society as a whole and people in general, thus negating the depth of love that exists between siblings. Siblings who have been part of each other's lives since birth help form and sustain each other's identities; with the death of one sibling comes the loss of that part of the survivor's identity. The sibling relationship is a unique one as they share a special bond and a common history from birth, have a certain role and place in the family, often complement each other, and share genetic traits; siblings who enjoy a close relationship participate in each other's daily lives and special events, confide in each other, share joys, spend leisure time together (whether they are children or adults), and have a relationship that not only exists in the present but often looks toward a future together (even into retirement).

Siblings who play a major part in each other lives are essential to each other; the sibling relationship can be the longest significant relationship of the lifespan and this loss intensifes their grief. Adult siblings eventually expect the loss of aging parents, the only other people who have been an integral part of their lives since birth, but they don't expect to lose their siblings first; as a result, when a sibling dies, the surviving sibling may experience a longer period of shock and disbelief. Overall, with the loss of a sibling, a substantial part of the surviving sibling's past, present, and future is also lost. It should also be noted that if siblings were not on good terms or close with each other, then intense feelings of guilt may ensue on the part of the surviving sibling (guilt may also ensue for: having survived, not being able to prevent the death, having argued with their sibling, etc.). (For further elaboration and information on the preceding information, see "Understanding Sibling Loss" CIGNA, "Sibling Grief" P. Gill White, Ph.D. and "Surviving the Death of a Sibling" T.J. Wray).



Anyways, I love you Markus

Monday, June 15, 2009

My head hurts so bad today and all my joints. Boy depression is fun. I have had a headache everyday since Markus died. I feel like I am turning 60 in just a matter of months.

Monday, June 8, 2009

My beloved 2 am. How I know this hour so well. Everyone is sleeping and here I am awake. Again. Its quiet in my house. So I bought some chinchillas. They are nocturnal. So they are awake with me. Staring at me right now. They are so cute and hyper right now. I wish I could sleep. I want to take Liam to preschool tomorrow. He has very little time left at preschool. I think I will lie on the couch turn on the tv and stare there. I might be able to fall asleep. Maybe even long enough to wake up at a decent time tomorrow.

Anyways, I love you Markus.

Thursday, June 4, 2009



My cousin who is in her early 30's had a stroke today. I don't know how bad it is yet. Her Dad(my uncle) died January 16, 2009. 6 weeks before Markus died. The last picture of all three of us kids together was at his funeral. I hope she is ok. She is a pretty sick person. Lupus. Heart problems. The works. Too young for all this crap. She has got to be ok. I don't know how much grief can a person endure. Also my Friend Angel is putting down her Dog down tomorrow. I love her dog. Mouse is so sweet. She has been a loyal companion.

I called the grief counseling place today. I have a appointment on July 13.

Anyways, I love you Markus

Monday, June 1, 2009

Some information on Grief and Substance abuse.

Dealing With Grief
The Symptoms, Stages and Triggers Surrounding The Grieving Process

TIAN DAYTON PhD TEP


GRIEF IS WIDELY ACCEPTED AS AN ISSUE that needs to be addressed during recovery.
While normal life losses do not necessarily benefit from nor require therapy, complicated loss
associated with addiction issues may benefit from professional help. Those developing treatment
programs, are oftentimes legitimately concerned about whether addressing powerful issues of
grief can undermine sobriety or open the door to relapse. Generally speaking, addicts need to
develop solid enough recovery and ego strength to allow them to experience the difficult
emotions associated with grief issues so that they don t relapse. In early recovery addicts may not
benefit from revisiting painful, historical material that can trigger relapse, while in later recovery
the opposite can be true. Avoiding painful material can actually undermine the recovering
person s ability to develop a consolidated sense of self, which can also lead to relapse. Some
lecturing on the grief process can actually normalize grief so that when it does emerge, it is
somewhat less derailing. Many addicts were themselves once hurt people, who relied on a
substance to deaden their pain. The grief issues that they have been self-medicating with drugs,
alcohol, food, sex, or gambling may eventually bubble to the surface during the recovery process.
In addition, they may need to grieve the years the lost through addiction and the pain that they
have caused those they love. And to complicate matters even further,they are likely to be grieving
these issues with a weakened set of psychological and emotional tools.
In the world of addiction, clients may find themselves feeling that they have no right to mourn
the loss of a problematic relationship, because they are "better off without them." But pain filled
relationships can be difficult to process simply because there is so much unfinished business
associated with them. Conflicting feelings, for example,of loving and hating, guilt and relief ,
may complicate their mourning process. Instilling hope and engaging the client with a recovery
zeal and a recovery network become very important in creating motivation and a safety net to
sustain and contain the grieving process.

A surprisingly large number of life's events go ungrieved in our futile attempt to "get on with life"
or to "stop feeling sorry for ourselves." Those events, which can be disavowed, may include any
of the following:
* divorce, for spouses, children and the family unit
* life transitions
* loss of job, youth, children in the home, retirement
* dysfunction in the home, loss of family life
* lost childhood, lost security, constant abandonment, loss of parents who were able to behave
like parents
* loss of a period of one s own lfe, loss of potential what might have been
If we cannot mourn losses, we may experience one or all of the following reactions:
* Stay stuck in anger, pain, and resentment
* Lose access to important parts of our inner, feeling world
* Have trouble engaging in new relationships because we are still engaged in an active
relationship with a person or situation that is no longer present
* Project unfelt, unresolved grief onto any situation, placing those feelings where they do not
belong
* Lose personal history along with the unmourned person or situation as part of us dies too
* Carry deep fears of subsequent abandonment

Grief and Self Medication
In his seminal research on trauma, Bessel van der Kolk (1987) found that one of the
pervading symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in soldiers and those who have
experienced some form of familial trauma (such as physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, neglect
or living with addiction) is the desire to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol. People abusing
substances have been able to medicate pain associated with grief, often for periods of many years.
In sobriety, losses, which went ungrieved and were medicated rather than felt, understood, and
integrated, may resurface. Without the coping strategy of self-medication, the sober addict will
need to summon the strength to live through the pain that previously felt like too much to
tolerate.Experiencing these losses in recovery may be confusing for the addicted person because
often they reach back for years or even decades. Psychodrama can offer a way to concretize and
work with those overwhelming emotions when they surface. It is generally recommended that
sobriety be established before those feelings are worked with experimentially.

Terminal Uniqueness
It is not uncommon for those who carry deep grief, which they have not been able to resolve,
to feel that their grief is unique among all other types of grief and that no one can really
understand what they are going through. That reaction speaks to the trauma that they are
experiencing and their loss of ability to take in support from others. Terminal uniqueness often
has anger lingering around its edges. Engaging clients in the stages of grieving can help to move
them toward some resolution. Many of the exercises that I present here can help the grieving
person begin to shed the tears and express the angry feelings associated with grief and
simultaneously to accept caring and support from others. Working with photographs and keeping
a journal can also be useful in helping a grieving person to concretize a particular grief issue.
The following are warning signs of unresolved grief:
* Excessive guilt
* Excessive anger or sudden angry outbursts
* Recurring or long-lasting depression
* Care taking behavior
* Self-mutilation
* Emotional numbness or constriction

Stages of the Grieving Process
One can expect to pass through certain, predictable stages in experiencing and processing loss.
To adapted the process, I have adapted the stages offered by John Bowlby (needs citation and
reference) and added a fifth stage, which I have observed that clients move through when they
allow themselves to surrender to the process of grieving. Feelings do not necessarily follow an
exact course, but listing the stages offers an overall map of the emotional terrain generally
covered during the process of grieving loss. Loss here, refers to the loss of a person, a part of self,
a period of life, personal dreams or addictive behaviors or substances.
Emotional numbness and shutdown. In this stage, we may go through a period of
feeling emotionally numb. We know some thing happened, but our feelings are shutdown and out
of reach.
Yearning and searching. This stage is marked by a yearning for the lost object (person or
situation) and searching for it in other people, places, and things. Ghosting, or the sense of a continuing presence of the lost object or even a sense that one is seeing them, may be
experienced. There is deep yearning for what was lost-be it a stage of life, a part of the self, or a
person-followed by a searching for a way to replace the lost experience.
Disruption, anger, and despair. In this stage, clients may experience anger, despair, and
disappointment, which come and go and are overwhelming at times. Loses that have anger and
resentment attached to them can become complicated. There may also be ambivalent feelings of
missing and relief or rage and yearning. It may be easier for some clients to feel the anger, rather
than the sadness beneath it or the reverse.
Reorganization and integration. In this stage, the grieving person is able to articulate
and experience either the normal, numbed, or split-off emotion connected with the loss and
integrate it into the self system. One s inner world reorganizes with the loss incorporated into it.
This is the stage of acceptance and letting go.
Reinvestment, spiritual growth, and renewed commitment to life. In this stage,
one comes to believe in life's intrinsic ability to repair and rebuild itself. The grieving person
experiences this firsthand by reaching out and letting in love and caring from willing people and
realizes that one can heal from loss and move on.
Grief Triggers
Some of life's circumstances can trigger grief reactions, and a substantial part of the reaction
may be beneath the level of conscious awareness. Bringing those triggers into one's
consciousness helps one to understand where the free-floating sense of anxiety, irritation, or
depressive thoughts might be coming from. The grieving person is no longer unaware of what
fuels negative behavior.
Anniversary Reactions
Anniversary reactions are common on or around the anniversary of a loss or death. One may
feel a vague or even an overwhelming sense of pain related to a loss, a pain that feels as if it
is coming out of nowhere. One may experience the same reaction around the time of previous
significant dates, such as hospitalization, sickness, sobriety, or divorce.
Holiday Reactions
Holidays often stimulate pain from previous losses. Because holidays are traditional ritual
gatherings, they heighten our awareness of what is missing or what has changed.
Age-Correspondence Reactions
This reaction occurs when, for example, a person reaches the age at which someone with
whom he or she identified experienced a loss. A daughter whose mother divorced around age
45 may find herself thinking about or even considering divorce when she reaches that
approximate age.
Seasonal Reactions
Change of seasons can stimulate grief or be unconsciously associated with a loss, thus
causing a type of depression during a particular season.
Music-Stimulated Grief
Music can act as a doorway to the unconscious. It activates the right brain, drawing out
associations and feelings that get stimulated by a particular song or music.
Ritual-Stimulated Grief
Important shared rituals can stimulate grief when there has been a loss. For example, family
dinners or Sunday brunch can be a sad time for family members who have experienced
divorce.
Smells or Returning to a Particular Location
Smells are among with one's earliest memories, and reexperiencing them can stimulate
memories associated with those odors. Visiting a place that one previously shared with a lost
loved one can bring painful recollections and, if feelings are confronted honestly and directly,
eventually mastery.
Inadequate Attempts at Dealing With Grief
Some attempts to deal with or manage grief do not necessarily lead to satisfactory resolution
and integration. Those inadequate attempts include the following types of resolution:
* Premature resolution occurs when people try to force themselves to resolve grief without
allowing themselves to move through the full cycle of mourning. In those cases, the
unresolved feelings tend to come out sideways in the form of projections, transferences,
bursts of anger, simmering resentments, excessive criticism, bouts of depression, and so on.
* Pseudoresolution is a false resolution that occurs when a person fools himself or herself into
feeling that grief has been resolved, when actually it has not run its course.
* Replacement is when a person replaces the lost person or circumstance without first
mourning that loss. For example, the divorced person who immediately marries again may
feel he or she has solved the pain of loss when, in fact, the loss has not been processed and
learned from. In the case of divorce, the same issues that led to one loss tend to reappear in
the next relationship.
* Displacement occurs when mourners cannot connect their pain to what is actually causing it
and instead displace the grief, upset, anger, and sadness onto something or someone else,
thereby displacing the pain to where it does not belong. It becomes difficult to resolve the
grief because it is projected onto and experienced around the wrong subject. Grief needs to
be consciously linked back to what is actually causing it.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Moms Birthday

Another day waiting for you. Another day of missing you. I am so sad that you were not here today. I have to do this the rest of my life.... Missing you and waiting for you. Pretending its ok, because I have no other choice. Moms birthday.... still no you....

Anyways, I love you Markus

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Today

Today I wanna melt away and fade into a black existence and forget I ever existed. How selfish of me to even want that or even think that.

Anyways, I love you Markus

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Sunday


I just talked to my Mom. Its so hard to listen to her to hear her sorrow. She was just crying when I called. She peered up into the sky today and saw a cloud shaped in a heart and she just started bawling. My heart aches for her. Why does she have to know what this feels like. To lose her first born to a drug overdose. No one should lose there children even if they are adults. It kills me. My Mom was 17 when she had Markus. She choose her life's course primarily for Markus. Her sweetheart and father of Markus was 17 as well. They had met when they were 12 and were inseparable. When Markus was born she gave up her love of her life because he was doing drugs and she wanted nothing like that in her sons life. She never wanted drugs to be a ok thing. Being 17-18 and making such huge choices. She met my Dad and married him at 19 and I came along at 20. With everything she gave up Markus still became a drug addict. What a slap in her face. I ache for her. I ache for my younger brother and my Dad. I ache because this isn't fair. It makes me so mad that I have to know what this feels like. I am told I am not alone but I feel like our family is the only family that is going throught this because no one talks about addictions. Its taboo. Its completey ridiculous. My Moms birthday is next sunday. What can I give her that makes her feel cherished? She feels like such a failure. She is far from it. Markus.... Markus.... Markus.... all I can think is Markus....

Anyways, I love you Markus

Friday, May 22, 2009

Its been over a week...

I figured I should write something. Its been over a week. I am trying to be a part of society again. So I am trying to do things and stay busy. I am still suffering nightmares and I wake up every night. My nightmares are never about Markus but of other people abandoning me. Mostly Tim saying "Yes I did settle for you and I no longer want to be with you... go away". Just like that. Every night. Terrible thing to have in my mind. Terrible thing for Tim because they are my dreams and not his but I feel its coming. I hope there is comfort coming soon. Something huge and significant that will make a positive impact on my life.

Anyways Markus, I love you.

Friday, May 15, 2009

I was just on the verge of sleeping

I was just on the verge of sleeping and like most nights right when your breathing becomes shallow and your thoughts slowly dissipate the word Markus creeps in my head.... Then I start remembering him. Looking at me. Talking to me. Standing up for me. Comforting me. Laughing with me. Reaching out to me. .... After all those heart warming moments the final day hits me. Staring at him hooked up too all those machines breathing for him. The doctor asking my Mom how did Markus feel about organ donation. Her falling to the ground screaming at God. My Dad falling over Markus body while he says his last good bye... Crying and sobbing.... There I am standing in disbelief that this really can't be happening. Even now my eyes water and my throat hurts so bad thinking about it. This is what happens to me when I hit that place of just falling to sleep. God help me. Sometimes I think i should just say to the doctor give me something to knock me out between the hours of 9pm and 9am I don't wanna think in those hours. They hurt to bad. My brother is dead and I hate having to know that. I hate every waking moment of it.

Anyways Markus I love you

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Its Raining


I am sitting here watching and listening to the rain gently hitting the glass, its the afternoon but I am still in my pajamas. Always wishing things were different. Liam is playing the wii in the other room and I can hear him jump and yelling in delight. My heart aches a lot. Why does the rain make you yearn for another person? Why does there death make you obsessed with them? Why is Markus always the thing that is on the edge of my tongue. Oh the rain. I am happy its here becasue that means the snow is going away. But it makes my heart ache. I just wanna lie in bed all day. Maybe make love with my husband while we listen to the rain. I love doing that. But he is working. Providing. I have the rain. The rain to remind me. All about the cycles. The things that we can't stop. I will let the rain refresh the ground. Quench its thirst and I will listen. To the rain and my heart.
Anyways I love you Markus

I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted to one time see you laughing
I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain
Prince

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mothers Day

Today was mothers day. It was weird not having Markus there. I kept on waiting for him to show up. I watched my Mom dread today. She said she feels like a failure as a Mother. I know she never failed. Addiction is a powerful disease. Its not something that happens from a lack of love or caring. It more like having cancer. Some people will go into recession. But not everyone can make it. It just sucks that Markus didn't make it. Why couldn't he be the one who didn't? I watch my Mom try to enjoy herself. I watched her try to pull it together. I watched her trying to build new happy memories. She said it sucked earlier this week because she became a statistic. I wish were weren't a statistic. Kind of sucks to fit in a box. Happy Mothers Day Mom you never failed. You loved and still love us.

anyways I love you Markus

Friday, May 8, 2009

so late

Its 3:23am. I wish I had the comfort of sleep sometimes. Even nightmares give me a little rest. I lye here. Its so quiet but my brain and my heart are so far from peace. How can you be really gone? My Big brother? How do you I reinvent myself? I do I redefine myself? I love you. I always have. I may not have been able to say it. You were unpredictable. I didn't know if you would hit me, make fun of me or hug me? I never knew what to say. It not that I didn't care but how do you speak to you? How do you tell what you really mean? When you never know what your outcome would be like? I wanted to protect you. It sucks. It really sucks to know you are gone forever. Forever. A part of me says not forever just for a bit. My kids miss you. Liam says Uncle Markus was my best friend and I loved him. I know you loved him. I know. I am sorry. Jacob is so sad sometimes. Ava wrote you a letter. About painting together. I know you loved my children. They really did love you. I wanted you to be clean. I wanted you to love life and share your knowledge with them. I never ever thought you would die. At least I never wanted you too. I lived in fear of that call. How can you be gone? Markus!!!! How can you be gone. 2 months have past and it's unthinkable you are gone.

Anyways I love you Markus

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The first time.


This was the first time I knew you used. You look so disappointed. Your teacher told you to cheat. You were disappointed that he told you to cheat. You wanted his approval so bad. You worked so hard. He was more worried about a trophy then you feelings. I am so sorry you felt this way. I wish I could have helped you feel better. I wish you had enough confidence. I wish you didn't feel like a failure and used. You used cocaine that night. This picture makes me sad.

Anyways I love you Markus

Its late

I sat in my bed with tears in my eyes. Staring at my husband in the dark. Trying to redefine myself. How can My big brother be dead? He is a part of my identity. He is what makes me the middle child. The only girl in a family of three kids. He made mistakes but he was suppose to prove to me that he could overcome them. There is no way he is gone forever. I cannot be without him. He is suppose to get married, have children and our kids could play together. I laid there. Staring at the sillouette of my husband. I just wanted to scream. You love me right!! Your not going are you? Still with me Tim. I am sorry I am sad and out of sorts but it doesn't matter. You still love me right? You aren't going to leave? I am what you want. Right? I cannot comprehend normal tasks. I can't even fathom what it is like to watch me. Pretending to be ok. All I want to do is fade away and forget any of this has happened. Markus is still alive right? He is not a addict anymore. He has a beautiful Californian wife and a daughter and a dog. That he cherishes. I will visit with my children and he is going to be a proud uncle and I will be a proud aunt. I hate this. I hate pretending. I hate that he died. It is not fair. I have two brothers. Nothing is allowed to change here. Nothing. Desperation makes me feel pathetic. I am pathetic sometimes. But it isn't the end of the world.

Anyways I love you Markus.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Markus's Memorial page

I wanted to add Markus's memorial page. I have worked on this the last 2 months. Just when it hurts so bad and I need something to make me feel whole.

http://www.virtualmemorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=16424&page_no=1

I like this. So I made this.

Photobucket

Writing here.

I have decided to start a blog. I want to see how I will change and grow with my finding some contentment in my life as it is now. I want to share with anyone who I could possibly help. I want to be completely honest in my grief. I am sure in time I will contradict myself and I think this will be part of my own healing process. This will be my own online journal. I am sure I will write a lot of my pain and hurt and sorrow. I will also try to write my endeavours and accomplishments.

My brother Markus was the oldest child in my family. He is 3 years older then me. He battled all sorts of addictions all his adult life. This is a frustrating and incomprehensionable disease. So many people are affected by this. Actually I don't know of a single person who doesn't know someone without a addiction in there own lives. Up until now I have only seen people recover from this disease. I have never seen anybody die from being a addict until now. I never in a million years would believe my big brother, the intelligent and strong man would succumb. I lived in fear that it was a possibilty that it could happen. Its been two months since my brother died from a heroin overdose. He died on February 28, 2009.

So two months of being numb. Two months of my brain just pretending he moved away. Two months of either sleeping too much or not enough. Two months of nightmares. Two months of what could I have done. What should I have done. Why didn't I do more? Two months of trying to forgive Markus. Two months of loving and missing him. Two months of being lost. Two months of numbing myself by starring at the computer screen googling everything and anything that I could think about. Two months of trying not to follow in his footsteps. But drinking anyways. Then beating myself up becasue I did. Because all I want to do is stay numb. I want to be able to breathe. To breathe again. To fall asleep peacefully. To watch my kids and love every ounce of them. To live my own life. He died. I didn't. But I am not living. I am starring.

Anyways. I love you Markus.