Taking one day at a time.

I am told not to be too hard on myself. This is a hard task. We are told to strive and push through the pain when we excersise. We are told to study and acheive good grades. We are told to live every day like it is our last. We are told to treat our world with dignity and respect. We are told to live life to fulliest. We are told to fulfill our destinies. Right now I am told to not be hard on myself. I am not living. I am wandering through a haze of breathing. Of pretending I am ok. I barely smile anymore. I talk with a low and unenergetic voice. I am bored but I am unmotivated. If I died tomorrow I would regret the last few months of breathing. Of not living. I just can't seem to pull myself up.

I am going to start some thearpy soon though. I want this panic attack thing done with and gone. Buried away as a unpleasant memory. I want to live. I want to watch my kids and smile. I want to cry because a movie is sad not because everything reminds me of Markus. Markus this and Markus that. Why do we become so obsessed with a dead person. Why do they take all our thoughts away. Its like he took all my memory and made it about him. It still hurts looking at his picture. I am tearing up right now thinking about him. His laugh, his smile, his wittiness. Oh God I miss him so much. Really the rest of my life without him. My big brother. Fuck you Markus for leaving me here like this. Fuck you.

Anyways, I love you Markus.