Happy Birthday

So I drove out to Elbow falls. The roads weren't as bad as I thought. I left Markus a birthday card there. I picture a breeze coming along and picking it up and delivering it to him where ever is. I have cried a few times today. I think I cried more this birthday then the last one. I really really miss him. It took 4 hours to drive there and back. All along I thought of him. By my memory of him does that make him real? Every thought good and bad does that make him alive? I am thinking about making a cake today just to say Happy birthday. Maybe it sounds really weird to people to make a cake for a dead persons birthday but that dead person is Markus my brother.

There is something amazing about the silence you get when you stand over a water fall. You can't hear the waterfall until your almost on it. Over top of it there is a beautiful loud noise but take a couple steps back and it vanishes. There was lots of steam coming off the river and it was beautiful. I walked up stream from the river and I couldn't help thinking that this part of the river doesn't know its about to fall down a water fall. It was bubbling along as rivers do being a river and it had no clue it was going to fall. After the water fall though you see it, the river, it just keeps going bubbling along. Even though it falls it continues being a river.

Anyways Markus, I love you
Happy Birthday

How do you say I love you?

Markus's birthday is coming up. 2 days. This past week I have been trying to keep my mind occupied. I am suppose to work on his birthday. I don't know if I am going to be able too. The closer I get to his birthday the more I think about him. I know I can treat it just like any day. But it isn't just any day. It is Markus's birthday. I have always talked to Markus on his birthday. Last year I went out to Elbow falls. I don't know if I can do that this year. The has been a huge snow fall and the roads are terrible.

I have been thinking about growing up a lot lately. How the three of us would keep ourselves amused. The games we would play. Grounders, hide and seek in the dark, Monopoly. Whispering to each other the night before Christmas morning because we were too excited to sleep. Markus was always super excited for Christmas. He was worse then Rick or I for not being able to sleep. He never lost it either. Even as a grown adult he would have a hard time sleeping Christmas eve. He couldn't wait until Christmas morning to open presents.

I am going on Markus's second birthday without him. I don't have a plan or even a idea on how to do it this year. Do I stay to myself. Be quiet and miss him silently? I want to cry but I am afraid someone will see me cry and then they will worry about me. They worry about how I am doing in my grief. They worry about my mental health . I know I am allowed to be sad. I have to allow myself to be sad.

When I was little I looked up to my big brother. I mean I wanted him to be proud of me. I wanted to listen to his advice. He seemed so wise and knowledgeable and I felt ignorant next to him. His adult life was a bit harder. He was always struggling. He lied and I had a hard time believing anything he said. This drew me away from him. I was afraid of him. I loved him but I was so afraid. I didn't know this man. The addict. I knew Markus. The big brother. Oh God I miss him. I miss the non addict Markus. I miss his extremely loud laugh. I miss his hugs. Oh god I miss his hugs. He would wrap his arms around me and I would have my face buried in his chest. He hugged with meaning. Every embrace was a true loving embrace and I really really miss it.

So how do you say I love you?
Do I send in it a balloon and hope it reaches heaven?
Do I have it placed in ink on my skin so everyday I know I love you?
Do I write a email to your account hoping somewhere in the vast numbers and letters it gets lost and somehow reaches you?
Do I sit alone in my car starring at the beautiful mountains and believe you are beside me looking at the the natural painting that you want to hold forever?
Do I light a candle and hope you see it knowing I can never forget you?
I wish I would have told you more that I loved you. I wished I wasn't so mad. I wish you were here.

Anyways Markus, I love you.