About to go out.

I am about to go out to a concert. I am so unsettled and pacing. I can't control it and I want to be ok. Who knew tramatic loss can make a panic disorder. Who knew? I sure as hell didn't. Why don't they teach this in school in the life skills part. That grief can blindside you and make you become this way. They really should. That way no one has to feel like they are cracking up. I promise myself I will have fun. I promise I will settle. I promise. Now to tell my body the same thing. I am safe. This is fun. I don't have to be scared. No one is going to hurt or harm me in any way. Life is to live not hide.

Anyways. I love you Markus

Went to the doctors today.

I went to my family doctor today. I got to read the results of my Psyc. consult. It is amazing how they can generalize you in a hour. Scary actually. I am a little overwhelmed but she was accurate enough. I talked to my doctor today about leaving for my 14 hour car trip to Manitoba for my family reunion. He said just don't go. I told him I can't I promised my Mom I would go. I really wish I could afford plane tickets though. The drive is going to be unbearable. The family will be overwhelming. I know there will be a lot of people coming to give me condolences over Markus. That scares me. I know I am going to cry a lot or drink even more so I don't cry. It is going to be rough. I am going to feel really uncomfortable. Oh I hope Tim can anchor me well. Hold me and tell me I am beautiful and I will be ok. I just wanna be a good person. I just wanna be ok. I don't want to have anxiety anymore. I also don't want a dead brother. I guess I can't change that.

I went to my friends Angels stagette on Friday. We went to strippers and I ordered a tarot reader for before that. She read people more then the cards but everyone enjoyed there reading over all. She told me some stuff. I am remembering bits and pieces. I was pretty well into drinking by the time she read me. I had fun and a slow next day.

Is it possible that I will feel ok? Soon? Is it possible that I get a grasp on my own life? That I can take my children out for outings again? I miss the mountains and zoo and just plain having fun with them. I love them so much. I look at them I hope I never have to go through with what my Mom is going through right now. I really don't have much to say today. Just wanted to journal a bit so I don't miss too much. I feel if I don't get my thoughts out on paper I will forget them. Well in this case on my computer screen.

Anyways, I love you Markus.

Taking one day at a time.

I am told not to be too hard on myself. This is a hard task. We are told to strive and push through the pain when we excersise. We are told to study and acheive good grades. We are told to live every day like it is our last. We are told to treat our world with dignity and respect. We are told to live life to fulliest. We are told to fulfill our destinies. Right now I am told to not be hard on myself. I am not living. I am wandering through a haze of breathing. Of pretending I am ok. I barely smile anymore. I talk with a low and unenergetic voice. I am bored but I am unmotivated. If I died tomorrow I would regret the last few months of breathing. Of not living. I just can't seem to pull myself up.

I am going to start some thearpy soon though. I want this panic attack thing done with and gone. Buried away as a unpleasant memory. I want to live. I want to watch my kids and smile. I want to cry because a movie is sad not because everything reminds me of Markus. Markus this and Markus that. Why do we become so obsessed with a dead person. Why do they take all our thoughts away. Its like he took all my memory and made it about him. It still hurts looking at his picture. I am tearing up right now thinking about him. His laugh, his smile, his wittiness. Oh God I miss him so much. Really the rest of my life without him. My big brother. Fuck you Markus for leaving me here like this. Fuck you.

Anyways, I love you Markus.

2am

2am the world is so quiet. The light pollution ruins the night sky but I still see the stars and I look up wondering if there is God, if there is life beyond me. I sometimes wish I could just know this so I can look up and see Markus. To know he is here, beside me in my quiet moments. In my awe moments. In my wonderings so maybe someone else I love that I long for can hold my thought. To hold this moment with me. Just little star in the sky look down.... the only thing greater then you I found. I wrote that in a song after my son was born. Now I want it to mean something else. Sometimes it is so overwhelming to remember Markus is really gone and I have to be without him for the rest of my life.

I watched a movie today about a dead girl. She was a prostitute and there was 4 stories written about her death made a mark on peoples lives. This made me sad because how did Markus death effect people? People say they feel so bad for me that I have to know what a tramatic loss is like. I know I felt bad about the movie but I never thought it would happen to me and wrapping my brain around it hurts so bad because I don't wanna except it. Even though I have no choice. This is hard.

Anyways, I love you Markus

Back from Vacation

So I went on Vacation. Well if you wanna call it that. I love the place I went. I love the people I visited but I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted to come home everyday. I wanted to lie in bed next to Tim. I wanted the comfort of my home. I stayed because my kids love where we went. It is in the Okanogan in BC, Canada. It is a beautiful place as seen in the picture above. I tried my best to just relax and enjoy myself. I had a panic attack 10 minutes before I left. I had to calm myself down and start driving. Its hard to know I had a 8 hour car ride in front of me when I just had a attack. I am so exhausted by the attacks that I didn't think I was going to make the drive through the mountains. When I pulled out of my friends driveway 3 little birds came on my ipod. I started to cry. I knew I was going to be ok Bob Marley told me Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is going to be alright. I decided after that I am not going to worry about being crazy and thinking is this a message from my brother. If it gave me comfort and helped me calm down because I beleived it was a message I will take it.

I started Grief Counselling today. He told me to give myself a year. 5 months into this is nothing and I have made a lot of progress from me pushing myself. That there fear of leaving my home and panic attacks are very common in tramatic deaths. That they come on because no one likes surprises and in unexpected death we feel hopeless and out of control. We couldn't control our own loss so people cope by staying home referred to as cocooning. Panic comes from the unknown and the inability to control our enviroment. It is why leaving our homes become a issue we don't want any unexpected. This is a good thing to know.

We talked about how grief especially in my life can really put a strain on my relationship with Tim. That he just wants me to be back to who I was before. That he would feel hopeless and lost in how to help me. How to comfort me and how to deal with my new mental disorders. I should make more time for Tim and I and go on dates. This also sounds like something I will make a effort to do. He referred to deep grief like standing in the middle of a rushing river. You are paniked and you want to find your safety. You will slowly make your way to safety but all you really wanna do is to turn your back on it and let it take you away instead of fighting the current and slips and falls. So you should never turn your back on the river. After all it is a river and it does what it has to do.

I also told him to deal with the stress of being in public I drink. He said this is also common and you need to do what you have to do to get through it. I should keep it in check but not to worry. If it became something that you had to do to wake up or to maintain yourself daily then that becomes a problem. We all cope in our owns ways and we all cope with what works for us. Thank God. Someone understands this. I told him my worry is having a addict as my brother and my fear of bcoming him. He understood.

Anyways I love you Markus