Thursday, June 10, 2010
Going on
Well losing someone you love to a addiction is unimaginable until it happens. This past year I have battled grief, anxiety attacks and agoraphobia. I have had people ask me what happened and I tell them and the most common reply is " isn't that terrible when someone does that to themselves". I start to get defensive with that statement. I know they are saying it because they feel like they need to say something. I am going to say this Markus didn't become a drug addict to lose his life. He also didn't just "do this" to himself. He had a whole family that was ridden with fear, anxiety and anger because of it. I think we as a family were more obsessed about Markus doing the drug then Markus was. I was angry a lot at him. I was so scared what was next in his illness. I have to admit when my Mom first called and said that Markus OD'd and he was intensive care a part of me had relief because I thought maybe now he will clean up and stay sober. I was also so mad at him for doing this again. Making us panic again. Doing this to my Mom again. It wasn't until I saw him in the bed I knew the severity of it all.
Now I know that addiction is in my family and because of it I know I am susceptible to it. This does kind of make me panic. I know friends and family look at me drink and I can see that they wonder if this a problem. I do drink. I like drinking. I drank a lot after Markus died. I drank totally inappropriately. I am aware of this. I was bothered by it then. I was worried that this is going to be a problem. I am not so worried anymore. I also knew then that I had to wake up everyday with all these things stuck in my head. The fear of leaving my home, the knowledge that my brother died, I was so afraid of saying anything wrong or breaking down and crying that everyone I loved would abandoned me so yeah I reached for the bottle. I know its not a answer and it has major repercussions. I just wanted a moment to breath. I know now I don't have those same fears. I don't drink like that anymore and I still drink but its not to escape as it once was.
I have new fears. I was thinking about how am I going to approach my kids when they start experimenting with drugs and alcohol? I experimented. I smoked pot, did acid and other stuff. I was a miserable teenager. It didn't help me then and I don't do drugs now. Well I have a prescription but thats what I take. How do I not go overboard on my own children teenage and young adult years? There is this underlying issue that I am extremely afraid of losing any one of my children. I know all Moms have this fear but I can see what it has done to my Mom and I can't help but wonder is this going to happen to me too? My Mom thought she did everything to make sure our self esteem was okay to become happy healthy adults. She did do everything she knew and she still lost a child to addiction. I am trying my best as well but after losing Markus I found out there is no true answers to raising kids. Markus's death threw me for a major loophole and made me question everything I thought I knew.
So I wake up everyday and make the best of it. I try to not obsess about Markus (even though it is harder said then done). I want to make sure I make him proud of me. I have always wanted Markus to be proud of me. So my mantra is Markus's email address... Eternal Pursuit.
I am going to post a song on here. It was played at his funeral on a montage of all his pictures of his life growing up. Glee finished the season finally with it and it made me cry.
Anyways Markus, I love you
Now I know that addiction is in my family and because of it I know I am susceptible to it. This does kind of make me panic. I know friends and family look at me drink and I can see that they wonder if this a problem. I do drink. I like drinking. I drank a lot after Markus died. I drank totally inappropriately. I am aware of this. I was bothered by it then. I was worried that this is going to be a problem. I am not so worried anymore. I also knew then that I had to wake up everyday with all these things stuck in my head. The fear of leaving my home, the knowledge that my brother died, I was so afraid of saying anything wrong or breaking down and crying that everyone I loved would abandoned me so yeah I reached for the bottle. I know its not a answer and it has major repercussions. I just wanted a moment to breath. I know now I don't have those same fears. I don't drink like that anymore and I still drink but its not to escape as it once was.
I have new fears. I was thinking about how am I going to approach my kids when they start experimenting with drugs and alcohol? I experimented. I smoked pot, did acid and other stuff. I was a miserable teenager. It didn't help me then and I don't do drugs now. Well I have a prescription but thats what I take. How do I not go overboard on my own children teenage and young adult years? There is this underlying issue that I am extremely afraid of losing any one of my children. I know all Moms have this fear but I can see what it has done to my Mom and I can't help but wonder is this going to happen to me too? My Mom thought she did everything to make sure our self esteem was okay to become happy healthy adults. She did do everything she knew and she still lost a child to addiction. I am trying my best as well but after losing Markus I found out there is no true answers to raising kids. Markus's death threw me for a major loophole and made me question everything I thought I knew.
So I wake up everyday and make the best of it. I try to not obsess about Markus (even though it is harder said then done). I want to make sure I make him proud of me. I have always wanted Markus to be proud of me. So my mantra is Markus's email address... Eternal Pursuit.
I am going to post a song on here. It was played at his funeral on a montage of all his pictures of his life growing up. Glee finished the season finally with it and it made me cry.
Anyways Markus, I love you
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Another Day
So what can I say now. I have a million thoughts and a million things I have been meaning to say but when I sit here and start typing its like my mind goes blank.
I had a very sad thought before I fell asleep the other night. I have trouble with the idea of God and heaven. Even though I want so badly to know when I cross over to heaven I will have people there and we will reunite. I was about to fall asleep and I was thinking when we are die we really do stop. That there is no afterworld and we cest to exist. That means I really will never see Markus again. I was so incredibly sad at this idea I cried. I know my faith hasn't really been there for years. That the idea that here is a big guy in the sky is watching over us and is going to choose if we are bad or good is a far fetch idea to me. But to stop existing, to not see those we love and have gone before us its killing me. All afterworld answers are answered by living humans that have faith in something. They are Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Pagan or at lest something that is organized. I don't have that. When ever I have looked at the options I can't stand the politics of good or bad. Of truth or lies, right or wrong. I have no faith in people telling people what to believe. Because of all of this I am left with no faith. The bible is written by man not God. We are told to have faith in it because a man said it was the word of God. A Man said it.
So I write here. I write here because I am alone. I know people die and that is a part of life. Most people have faith in something. They can tell me Markus is with the angels. They can tell me he is in the rainbows and my memories. That he watches over me and that he loves me. What if everything that is ment to give me comfort is a lie. That when Markus stopped breathing he stopped existing and now all I have is a memory.
I guess I need to have a little faith.
Anyways Markus I love you (and I hope you have a little faith in me.)
I had a very sad thought before I fell asleep the other night. I have trouble with the idea of God and heaven. Even though I want so badly to know when I cross over to heaven I will have people there and we will reunite. I was about to fall asleep and I was thinking when we are die we really do stop. That there is no afterworld and we cest to exist. That means I really will never see Markus again. I was so incredibly sad at this idea I cried. I know my faith hasn't really been there for years. That the idea that here is a big guy in the sky is watching over us and is going to choose if we are bad or good is a far fetch idea to me. But to stop existing, to not see those we love and have gone before us its killing me. All afterworld answers are answered by living humans that have faith in something. They are Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Pagan or at lest something that is organized. I don't have that. When ever I have looked at the options I can't stand the politics of good or bad. Of truth or lies, right or wrong. I have no faith in people telling people what to believe. Because of all of this I am left with no faith. The bible is written by man not God. We are told to have faith in it because a man said it was the word of God. A Man said it.
So I write here. I write here because I am alone. I know people die and that is a part of life. Most people have faith in something. They can tell me Markus is with the angels. They can tell me he is in the rainbows and my memories. That he watches over me and that he loves me. What if everything that is ment to give me comfort is a lie. That when Markus stopped breathing he stopped existing and now all I have is a memory.
I guess I need to have a little faith.
Anyways Markus I love you (and I hope you have a little faith in me.)
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