My friends.

Today I want to remind myself about my friends. I am going on 6 months from Markus's death and even though my grief can make me feel so lonely I have had a awesome group of people around me. Seriously without all of them I probably would have been committed by now. I keep myself surrounded by such amazing people and I forget to tell them that sometimes. They will promote good days and come over and be there on bad days and in between days. They come over clean my house on days I can barely function but also will just sit and listen. They let me have panic attacks and still come back after they have witnessed them. They let me have my own personal guard down and never take advantage of that. I guess I don't normally carry that guard anyways but I always have had a bit of one. I think everyone does. Not one of them would kick me when I am down. They aren't tallying points of how much they do for me or vice versa. Friendships that close are so rare and to have a group of that is unimaginable in most peoples lives. I am so fortunate to have them. I cherish that.

I went camping this weekend. One night. I have had such a bad week up until then I didn't know if I was going to be able to do it. So you know what 3 of my friends did. They came with me. Those 3 barely knew the other people there but they came. They supported me. Erin and Angel went the night before because they honestly love camping but Jessica drove out with me. I know its good for me to have the exposure. Prior to all of this I was a very social person. I was also a very happy and content person. Now I am afraid people just hate me. That is the kind of negative thinking that comes with depression. Normally I don't really care if people don't like me. Seriously... I didn't care at all. Now I obsess about it at home. I rather stay in my house then go out and make people hate me. I know this is unhealthy thinking. The truth is that is depression.

Camping was good. I was comfortable enough that I didn't feel the need to hide or go home. Katharine is such a Mama bear making me supper and coffee and reminding me to eat. I am glad she invited me. She is such a good person. I am glad she is in my life. I did suffer a huge panic attack driving home. I pulled to the side of the highway and took a xanax until the anxiety and shaking came down enough that I could finish driving home. I made it home and slept. Anxiety does that. It makes you so sleepy that it felt like you ran a marathon. The truth is, its because your body kind of just did run a marathon. Your adrenaline pumps up, your heart races and your breathing is laboured. Your body is actually moving into flight mode. To protect you from danger. The problem with anxiety is there is no danger.... you just feel like there is.

Anyways. I love my friends. I honour them. I am so glad they are there.. all of them, in all there different degrees of friendship. Without any of them I don't know where I would be. Thank you all. Sincerely. I love you all.

Anyways, I love Markus.

P.S I really miss you right now too.

I have been having a lot of Pain.

I have had a lot of pain in my left shoulder just under my breast and armpit. I am told this is anxiety. If I am not allowing the attacks to go full blown this is what I can have instead. My Left arm goes numb. I can't breathe deep or cough. I can barely lift my arm. Fun hey. What else can my body throw at me? Seriously?

I was just looking at Markus's memorial page. Its so hard to see his picture. I was starring at the last picture on there. Of Rick , Myself and Markus 6 weeks before he passed away. If I only knew then what I know now. Maybe I wouldn't look so pissed. Maybe I wouldn't resent Markus putting his arm around me. I was so mad that day. I was sad I lost my Unlce but I was mad my Mom took a picture of us there. I guess its good now. We have that one picture of all three of us. The last picture of all three of us. Its so weird. Only 2 now. Doesn't seem right. None of this seems right.

People keep calling me this week and I haven't been answering the phone. I haven't even been returning phone calls. How bad of me. I just don't wanna to talk to any more insurance people or back to work plans. I kind of don't want to do anything anymore. As I can see now my anxiety has built into severe pain. Is this a better solution then full blown anxiety attacks? Who knows. People say take my time. Then I get told that I need to learn to cope. Really I just wanna fade away. Fading away just seems better right now.

Someone told me last week they are trying to turn a new leaf. I pictured a beautiful green leaf turning red, then golden, then brown then eventually turning into dust. I know they ment something different. They want to make positive choices. Its hard right now to think about change at all. I have had to endure such drastic changes right now. Well the last couple months. I am kind of sick of all this. Maybe I need to look at my life and what I truly value. Maybe I should be at least be making a plan for a future without anxiety and grief.

Anyways Markus, I love you

Markus's Journal

I knew my brother wrote a journal on and off during his life. I knew that in his worst of times this would of been a hard time to write. I also knew I should never read them and I made my Mom promise that if she ever found any of his journals that she should burn them. That no one should ever know what his drug induced mind full of self hatred and blame should ever be reveal. It would do nothing but hurt. Markus's journal was found and my Mom handed it to me and asked me to pass it on to his fiance. I passed it on to her the beginning of this week(she is in town visiting) and I came up to the room she was staying in and she said I should read it. Some of it made no sense but there was a entry she wanted me to read. Here it is... I am typing it so I never forget it.... It will be gone with her when she leaves for California and I never ever want to forget this entry. Its hard enough that she will have his handwriting with his thoughts no matter how confused they sound later in his journal but I hear his voice reading it... its like he is here talking to me again.... so......


Sept 23/05


Wow, what misery,and so much prosperity. I don't remember ever having such a great deal of both at the same time. Karra, I have never once intended to really hurt you. Even when, I picked on you and Rick when we were young. Never once did I actually assault you with mean intentions. I just lost some of my control, yet not all of it. I have never tried to completely tried to punch your face in, which is what I would have done if I had lost all control. The truth is I couldn't because I loved you too much. As confusing and ironic as that sounds. I mean I know you remember me as a bully. Truth is, I hated myself. Believe me when I tell you that this is the reason I was so cruel to you. I love you so much. You are an amazing woman and Mother. You inspire me! Honestly you help me more than you know. Thank you for being you.

This was written a couple years ago but it has sent me in tears. I hope when Markus passed this year he knows how much I truly loved him. I am so sorry I didn't do more. It haunts me everyday that I didn't give my soul to continue on. I rather be a zombie then Markus dead. I am a zombie anyways without him.


Anyways Markus, I love you!

Another day of finding the right words to write.

So here I am at 3:20am I have a lot to talk about from my last post but finding the right words to write isn't always easy. To find the right words to find perfection, understanding and wisdom doesn't always come so easy. So I will just write. If genius hits me I will be lucky but truefully I just wanna hit my pure raw emotions. I am having a hard time right now. I wanna make postive changes in my own life. I wanna follow rules. I want to be a functional part of society. Seriously all of these "wants" scares the shit out of me. It really does. I can't cope if a random strange child starts crying in a mall because he or she didn't get what he wanted. My body goes into a primal instinct and eithers wants to fight or flight and I end up shaking like a weird torrets syndrome victim......... shaking and hiding. I don't know where I am. I can't see straight. I am instantly tired and feel super drunk and I am embaressed. I kind of think, this is what it would feel like if you pissed your pants in a public place in front of everyone.

Here I am trying to cope with my life. Really trying to except my brother is dead. I have very loving and understanding people around me. I feel I tire them either way. I feel like I need to crawl into a box and sleep a thousand years until none of my feelings matter. Here I am brought up like I am important, and I mean something deeper and I will make a change in the world. I do not want this pressure on my shoulders. I kind of want everyone to go away. I love my friends. I don't love thinking all the negative reactions I get thinking about offending and hurting people after I talk to them. It kind of consummes me everyday. I guess what it comes down to is I cannot cope with life. I know I am not living. I am breathing and pretending. Abandoment is a real issue. I have huge abandoment issues right now. I kind of feel ( not that I would act on it) like I should just fade away. I should become a quieter person in my world. I have always been a leader naturally and I don't want that responsibilty anymore. I want to fade in the background and want someone else to pull the reigns.

I had a dream about Markus. That 5 months has passed and he was in a coma. My Mom and I went to visit him and he woke up. He was still mad at me. He still blamed me for all of it but he was alive and I had a huge sense of relief. (when Markus was in a coma after his heroin overdose I guiltily admit I hoped he would go, so I no longer had to worry anymore about what he was doing and possibilty hurting people. He had a huge possibilty of commiting major crimes for drugs). He was mad still in my dream but I was happy he was alive. In my dream he shot my youngest son up with Heorin and my Mom was there yelling at me that it wasn't a big deal and it was ok. I guess I am still mad at everyone for the roles they played in my brothers life. I guess truefully that is what my dream told me. It still makes me guilty. I still feel like it was my fault.

My youngest son just turned 5. I remember 5 being my favorite birthday as it is the same number on my birthdate. October 5th. We went bowling and it was fun. Later that night my husband teased me about me being the oldest person in the room as October 5th is coming up and I will be 32. I yelled back "fuck you as if I am 32."! It hit home. I stopped aging when Markus died. I forgot that everyday I wake up it is another day of me growing older. Today I have cried all day about being abandoned by my big brother and I was growing older. Seriously I just want to be ok. I want to accept my life and all its beauty it has to offer.

I will right more about my family reunion the next post About how hard it is to accept some one is missing on that family tree.

Anyways Markus, I love you.