Volunteering

So I went for a Volunteer orientation at the Drop In Center. I am kind of disappointed in myself of being afraid of walking into the building. I know its not exactly the safest place in the world to be but driving isn't the safest thing in the world either. The orientation was 3 hours long and part of it was to help hand out meals to the clients. We got a tour of the facility and where the greatest needs for volunteers are. There on a locked floor in the back was a very small art studio. It is run completely on volunteers and donated supplies. I found out right now that it is only open one day a week because one volunteer can only make it that day. Most of the clients at the drop in center aren't even aware of its existence because of the lack of volunteers in there. So I guess that where I am going.

I stood there staring at the artwork already presented. The extreme loneliness of being homeless. I can't imagine the ignorance they must endure when they leave the building. I can picture people crossing the sidewalk because a homeless person is walking down the street or people yelling at them to get a job. Actually there are 2 floors in the center that are transitional beds. These people are the working poor. They ride there donated bikes or take transit to get to work. They work but they cannot afford housing. They are waiting for low income housing to open up. They have to follow strict rules before there application to be on these floors are even considered.

Then there is the floor for the addicts. Every shelter in this city will not allow a person under the influence into there building no matter how cold it is. The drop in center has a area for them. They of course aren't allowed to bring substances in the building but at least they have a warm place to sleep. Maybe I am crazy for volunteering here. Maybe I am selfish in the way that I wanted to give back to a place that housed my brother. I wish I wasn't afraid of the large amount of mentally ill people there is there. Its not there fault. If it wasn't for Tim in my life right now I can easily see myself in one of those beds. With how I shut down this year and how my brain kind of gave up for a while. It only takes a unfortunate event and months of convincing yourself your worthless to be there. I know I have to put on my thick skin to go there. I also have to put away the need to save them all too. Just sit and make them feel human again. I know sometimes that is all I want to feel.

Anyways, I love you Markus.

Sometimes I wonder?

You know late at night when it is all quiet you have no choice but to listen to your inner monologue. I sit here and wonder? Is there someone out there that thinks about me? Its is a conceited thought but is it possible at this moment is someone thinking about me? I know I think about a lot of people it may surprise some people that I think about them but I do. My birthday was this week. I like to say I turned 29 again for the 4th time but the truth is I turned 32. I spent the day by having a bubble bath, wearing my pajamas all day and order Vietnamese for take out. At the end of the day I felt guilty (Tim said we are 2,500 from being homeless) and I turned another year closer to Markus age (died at 34). Plus my birthday means his is next. November 24th. I sat crying. I crawled into bed and I cried so hard I had the ugly cry. I mean snot dripping out and sobbing so hard that your pillow is saturated with tears. Tim had no idea I cried that hard because he sat downstairs playing video games. Some ways I am glad he ignores my sadness. He stares at me in frustration and just wants me to be better. Sometimes I just need to cry. Sometimes I need to be held too. Sometimes I need to be assured I am ok and worth his time. Doesn't everyone feel the need to be wanted? I know this is a ongoing task for many people out there. I will tell you this... Tim is the only person I know who has held out with my lack of impulse control and my inattentiveness and still looks at me and tells me I am good for him. I don't think there is any one else out there that could handle this? I admit... I suffer so bad from this that everyone would have given up by now. Everyone except for Erin. I love her. I thank God for her. I thank God for Tim too. I thank God for my kids who love me even when I make no sense.

Its Thanksgiving on Monday. I guess this year its hard because I don't feel thankful but I know I should. I am alive. I have healthy kids and a husband that loves me. I have a great group of friends who do drop everything to aid me. I should be more thankful. There is a roof over my head. I breathe without trouble. I am loved and I love back.

Anyways Markus, I love you. Happy Thanksgiving.... Your little sister.

Nightmares.

So I have this wicked cough. I get pounding headaches and I feel like I am drowning in my own saliva. Tim got it a few weeks before me and we joke that it is swine flu. A problem with this cough is its hard to stay asleep at night. You wake up coughing with every muscle you have. Last night I decided to sleep on the couch as Tim has finally starting beating this thing. So I wake up every 20-30 minutes coughing and holding my head so the pounding can stop for a minute.

I had nightmares all night. I mean all night. I was brought back to just after Markus died. That extreme pain and loneliness. That complete and absolute sorrow. It hurts so bad to think back on it. It still hurts but with my therapy I am starting to see a light a bit. The nightmares all night though kind of threw my day off. I didn't want to move. Its just real, Markus is really dead. Its sad when you wake up from a nightmare and realize nothing has changed. I will not speak to Markus again or hug him ever..... ever.... I will never have a recovered brother. I will not see this one addiction beat. I know its true. When living with a addict in your life you are just as sick. I am finally really seeing that. I also know in my own recovery of grief I will have fall backs. Days of complete misery because another day I am alive and Markus is dead. I cannot change anything about that. I can only except never having a answer and remembering him for all he taught me.

Nightmares are nightmares. Sometimes we wake up and we totally still involved in a living one. Sometimes we wake and maybe disturbed by our own monsters but we are safe in our beds. All I truly know is you can't just stop feeling. Maybe excepting all our feelings, even the ones that scare us and make us so depressed we can barely move is ok. Just know that at some point we also get great feelings. For example. ... Tim pulling me close to him and stroking my hair. Liam coming out of no where and wrapping his arms around me to tell me Mommy I really love you. Ava in her sweet voice talking about her stuffed animals and giving them names like cuddles. Or Jacob with such strong leadership skills that he volunteers helping the autistic kids at school and he never once told me to brag. He just does it because he likes it. Those are good feelings. Nightmares eventually fade. I will never forget Markus. Not ever.

Anyways , I love you Markus