Sometimes I wonder?

You know late at night when it is all quiet you have no choice but to listen to your inner monologue. I sit here and wonder? Is there someone out there that thinks about me? Its is a conceited thought but is it possible at this moment is someone thinking about me? I know I think about a lot of people it may surprise some people that I think about them but I do. My birthday was this week. I like to say I turned 29 again for the 4th time but the truth is I turned 32. I spent the day by having a bubble bath, wearing my pajamas all day and order Vietnamese for take out. At the end of the day I felt guilty (Tim said we are 2,500 from being homeless) and I turned another year closer to Markus age (died at 34). Plus my birthday means his is next. November 24th. I sat crying. I crawled into bed and I cried so hard I had the ugly cry. I mean snot dripping out and sobbing so hard that your pillow is saturated with tears. Tim had no idea I cried that hard because he sat downstairs playing video games. Some ways I am glad he ignores my sadness. He stares at me in frustration and just wants me to be better. Sometimes I just need to cry. Sometimes I need to be held too. Sometimes I need to be assured I am ok and worth his time. Doesn't everyone feel the need to be wanted? I know this is a ongoing task for many people out there. I will tell you this... Tim is the only person I know who has held out with my lack of impulse control and my inattentiveness and still looks at me and tells me I am good for him. I don't think there is any one else out there that could handle this? I admit... I suffer so bad from this that everyone would have given up by now. Everyone except for Erin. I love her. I thank God for her. I thank God for Tim too. I thank God for my kids who love me even when I make no sense.

Its Thanksgiving on Monday. I guess this year its hard because I don't feel thankful but I know I should. I am alive. I have healthy kids and a husband that loves me. I have a great group of friends who do drop everything to aid me. I should be more thankful. There is a roof over my head. I breathe without trouble. I am loved and I love back.

Anyways Markus, I love you. Happy Thanksgiving.... Your little sister.