The Gamble

This song Markus's fiance wrote. It was about all the men that failed in her life. There is a verse about Markus. It is such a beautiful song. I am really proud of her.

Peters Drive In

I took Liam to Peters drive in. I was taking him for a ice cream. Before I could go there I had to get money from the bank because they only take cash. My bank was on one side of the street and Peters drive in is on the other side. Its a major road way so I pulled behind 16th to find the road that will let me access Peters Drive in. When I got to the residential road I saw my first elementary school. I looked at it and thought is that it? Is that really my first school? It looked so small. I never quite knew where it was but had a idea it was near there. I went to kindergarten and grade one there. At the time we lived in low income housing and Markus had to get me on public transit to get me to school. I had these huge flashes of memories of my big brother taking me to school and making sure I got there on the city bus. I really started to miss him. My big protector. One glimpse of my school and I remembered how much Markus tried to take care of me. He was in Grade 4 and 5 when we went to that school. I can't imagine my own kids that young on the public transit by themselves. It was what my parents had to do. We only had one car and the school was far. My Dad had to work and he needed the only car we had.

I wanted to stop and park in the parking lot and look at the school. It looked different. I know they had changed the name of the school and it was something different now but I just wanted to sit there and remember my brother. My hero. How much I really looked up to him. My brother and my Dad were the two people in my life I felt safe with. I could be anywhere and as long as either one was there I felt completely protected. I had Liam in the car and made a note of where it was so I can go there again and sit and get lost in my memories. I would be safe to cry there by myself.

I got Liam to Peters Drive in and another memory came up. I was about four and my Dad went to Peters Drive to get my Mom a banana split. I was so small and could barely look up into the window and a old man was looking down at me smiling. He asked me what my favourite Sundae was and I told him Strawberry. He handed me a Strawberry Sundae and I ate it with such great delight. I later learned that was the man who owned Peters Drive in. We never had a lot of money so the fact he gave me a ice cream was such a treat. There I was with my own son buying him a memory of Peters Drive in. Even with all the grief and the parts of me that is moving on I know I will always miss Markus. I am glad that the good memories are coming. The ones when I looked up to him. Not just the ones of the disease of his addiction. Its been almost three years and learning how my life will be without my brother has been difficult and challenging I can see it has started to become less heavy.

I was thinking today about my dream with the river and the rocks. Filling my pockets with cold stones in a very fast flowing river. How much it bothered me that I thought I was trying to kill myself. I think I really get it now. The rocks was all the heavy emotions I was trying to reconcile. All the anger. All the resentment. All of the disappointment. I was facing a crisis (the river) and I was loading all of these emotions and walking straight into it. I think I have unloaded a few of the rocks now. I feel a little lighter. Even though I hated my brothers addiction I really truly loved him. Sometimes the lines can be so blurry. His addiction started before he ever took a drug. I really get that now. I really wish I could have a big Markus hug now and to see his smile. I think he would be happy that I forgive him. That I have started to separate realistically the two things.

Anyways Markus, I love you