Moms Birthday

Another day waiting for you. Another day of missing you. I am so sad that you were not here today. I have to do this the rest of my life.... Missing you and waiting for you. Pretending its ok, because I have no other choice. Moms birthday.... still no you....

Anyways, I love you Markus

Today

Today I wanna melt away and fade into a black existence and forget I ever existed. How selfish of me to even want that or even think that.

Anyways, I love you Markus

Sunday

I just talked to my Mom. Its so hard to listen to her to hear her sorrow. She was just crying when I called. She peered up into the sky today and saw a cloud shaped in a heart and she just started bawling. My heart aches for her. Why does she have to know what this feels like. To lose her first born to a drug overdose. No one should lose there children even if they are adults. It kills me. My Mom was 17 when she had Markus. She choose her life's course primarily for Markus. Her sweetheart and father of Markus was 17 as well. They had met when they were 12 and were inseparable. When Markus was born she gave up her love of her life because he was doing drugs and she wanted nothing like that in her sons life. She never wanted drugs to be a ok thing. Being 17-18 and making such huge choices. She met my Dad and married him at 19 and I came along at 20. With everything she gave up Markus still became a drug addict. What a slap in her face. I ache for her. I ache for my younger brother and my Dad. I ache because this isn't fair. It makes me so mad that I have to know what this feels like. I am told I am not alone but I feel like our family is the only family that is going throught this because no one talks about addictions. Its taboo. Its completey ridiculous. My Moms birthday is next sunday. What can I give her that makes her feel cherished? She feels like such a failure. She is far from it. Markus.... Markus.... Markus.... all I can think is Markus....

Anyways, I love you Markus

Its been over a week...

I figured I should write something. Its been over a week. I am trying to be a part of society again. So I am trying to do things and stay busy. I am still suffering nightmares and I wake up every night. My nightmares are never about Markus but of other people abandoning me. Mostly Tim saying "Yes I did settle for you and I no longer want to be with you... go away". Just like that. Every night. Terrible thing to have in my mind. Terrible thing for Tim because they are my dreams and not his but I feel its coming. I hope there is comfort coming soon. Something huge and significant that will make a positive impact on my life.

Anyways Markus, I love you.

I was just on the verge of sleeping

I was just on the verge of sleeping and like most nights right when your breathing becomes shallow and your thoughts slowly dissipate the word Markus creeps in my head.... Then I start remembering him. Looking at me. Talking to me. Standing up for me. Comforting me. Laughing with me. Reaching out to me. .... After all those heart warming moments the final day hits me. Staring at him hooked up too all those machines breathing for him. The doctor asking my Mom how did Markus feel about organ donation. Her falling to the ground screaming at God. My Dad falling over Markus body while he says his last good bye... Crying and sobbing.... There I am standing in disbelief that this really can't be happening. Even now my eyes water and my throat hurts so bad thinking about it. This is what happens to me when I hit that place of just falling to sleep. God help me. Sometimes I think i should just say to the doctor give me something to knock me out between the hours of 9pm and 9am I don't wanna think in those hours. They hurt to bad. My brother is dead and I hate having to know that. I hate every waking moment of it.

Anyways Markus I love you

Its Raining

I am sitting here watching and listening to the rain gently hitting the glass, its the afternoon but I am still in my pajamas. Always wishing things were different. Liam is playing the wii in the other room and I can hear him jump and yelling in delight. My heart aches a lot. Why does the rain make you yearn for another person? Why does there death make you obsessed with them? Why is Markus always the thing that is on the edge of my tongue. Oh the rain. I am happy its here becasue that means the snow is going away. But it makes my heart ache. I just wanna lie in bed all day. Maybe make love with my husband while we listen to the rain. I love doing that. But he is working. Providing. I have the rain. The rain to remind me. All about the cycles. The things that we can't stop. I will let the rain refresh the ground. Quench its thirst and I will listen. To the rain and my heart.
Anyways I love you Markus

I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted to one time see you laughing
I only wanted to see you laughing in the purple rain
Prince

Mothers Day

Today was mothers day. It was weird not having Markus there. I kept on waiting for him to show up. I watched my Mom dread today. She said she feels like a failure as a Mother. I know she never failed. Addiction is a powerful disease. Its not something that happens from a lack of love or caring. It more like having cancer. Some people will go into recession. But not everyone can make it. It just sucks that Markus didn't make it. Why couldn't he be the one who didn't? I watch my Mom try to enjoy herself. I watched her try to pull it together. I watched her trying to build new happy memories. She said it sucked earlier this week because she became a statistic. I wish were weren't a statistic. Kind of sucks to fit in a box. Happy Mothers Day Mom you never failed. You loved and still love us.

anyways I love you Markus

so late

Its 3:23am. I wish I had the comfort of sleep sometimes. Even nightmares give me a little rest. I lye here. Its so quiet but my brain and my heart are so far from peace. How can you be really gone? My Big brother? How do you I reinvent myself? I do I redefine myself? I love you. I always have. I may not have been able to say it. You were unpredictable. I didn't know if you would hit me, make fun of me or hug me? I never knew what to say. It not that I didn't care but how do you speak to you? How do you tell what you really mean? When you never know what your outcome would be like? I wanted to protect you. It sucks. It really sucks to know you are gone forever. Forever. A part of me says not forever just for a bit. My kids miss you. Liam says Uncle Markus was my best friend and I loved him. I know you loved him. I know. I am sorry. Jacob is so sad sometimes. Ava wrote you a letter. About painting together. I know you loved my children. They really did love you. I wanted you to be clean. I wanted you to love life and share your knowledge with them. I never ever thought you would die. At least I never wanted you too. I lived in fear of that call. How can you be gone? Markus!!!! How can you be gone. 2 months have past and it's unthinkable you are gone.

Anyways I love you Markus

The first time.

This was the first time I knew you used. You look so disappointed. Your teacher told you to cheat. You were disappointed that he told you to cheat. You wanted his approval so bad. You worked so hard. He was more worried about a trophy then you feelings. I am so sorry you felt this way. I wish I could have helped you feel better. I wish you had enough confidence. I wish you didn't feel like a failure and used. You used cocaine that night. This picture makes me sad.

Anyways I love you Markus

Its late

I sat in my bed with tears in my eyes. Staring at my husband in the dark. Trying to redefine myself. How can My big brother be dead? He is a part of my identity. He is what makes me the middle child. The only girl in a family of three kids. He made mistakes but he was suppose to prove to me that he could overcome them. There is no way he is gone forever. I cannot be without him. He is suppose to get married, have children and our kids could play together. I laid there. Staring at the sillouette of my husband. I just wanted to scream. You love me right!! Your not going are you? Still with me Tim. I am sorry I am sad and out of sorts but it doesn't matter. You still love me right? You aren't going to leave? I am what you want. Right? I cannot comprehend normal tasks. I can't even fathom what it is like to watch me. Pretending to be ok. All I want to do is fade away and forget any of this has happened. Markus is still alive right? He is not a addict anymore. He has a beautiful Californian wife and a daughter and a dog. That he cherishes. I will visit with my children and he is going to be a proud uncle and I will be a proud aunt. I hate this. I hate pretending. I hate that he died. It is not fair. I have two brothers. Nothing is allowed to change here. Nothing. Desperation makes me feel pathetic. I am pathetic sometimes. But it isn't the end of the world.

Anyways I love you Markus.

Markus's Memorial page

I wanted to add Markus's memorial page. I have worked on this the last 2 months. Just when it hurts so bad and I need something to make me feel whole.

http://www.virtualmemorials.com/main.php?action=view&mem_id=16424&page_no=1

I like this. So I made this.

Writing here.

I have decided to start a blog. I want to see how I will change and grow with my finding some contentment in my life as it is now. I want to share with anyone who I could possibly help. I want to be completely honest in my grief. I am sure in time I will contradict myself and I think this will be part of my own healing process. This will be my own online journal. I am sure I will write a lot of my pain and hurt and sorrow. I will also try to write my endeavours and accomplishments.

My brother Markus was the oldest child in my family. He is 3 years older then me. He battled all sorts of addictions all his adult life. This is a frustrating and incomprehensionable disease. So many people are affected by this. Actually I don't know of a single person who doesn't know someone without a addiction in there own lives. Up until now I have only seen people recover from this disease. I have never seen anybody die from being a addict until now. I never in a million years would believe my big brother, the intelligent and strong man would succumb. I lived in fear that it was a possibilty that it could happen. Its been two months since my brother died from a heroin overdose. He died on February 28, 2009.

So two months of being numb. Two months of my brain just pretending he moved away. Two months of either sleeping too much or not enough. Two months of nightmares. Two months of what could I have done. What should I have done. Why didn't I do more? Two months of trying to forgive Markus. Two months of loving and missing him. Two months of being lost. Two months of numbing myself by starring at the computer screen googling everything and anything that I could think about. Two months of trying not to follow in his footsteps. But drinking anyways. Then beating myself up becasue I did. Because all I want to do is stay numb. I want to be able to breathe. To breathe again. To fall asleep peacefully. To watch my kids and love every ounce of them. To live my own life. He died. I didn't. But I am not living. I am starring.

Anyways. I love you Markus.