So I found the Courage

I found some courage to finally take over Markus's facebook page. It is so hard when you are truly missing someone to put yourself in there life. To read stuff that they wrote and look at them at at a different perspective. I went over her messages in in message box. To read things and count how many days it will be until he dies. It is so sad. It was also so surprising to see who he sent messages a few weeks before he passed. I can hear his voice when I read his writing. I guess that alone keeps him alive.

I know its been a long time since I last posted on here. I think about the things I want to write and the things I want to say. To give a true inside knowledge to how it is to be a surviving sibling. I miss him. Past that it is a true one day at a time. I still have addicts in my life that I love very much and even losing Markus has not given me the knowledge and ability to say the what I want to say to bring them out of it. I do live in fear of losing more people. I live in regret still and I worry about my friendships and the distance I have put on them. I guess I just don't want people to say "Karra its time to move on". I have moved on but its like I have these major relapses. From time to time I want to curl up and bawl my eyes out and I know no one wants me to do that. They all hope the obsession with Markus's passing will subside.

My children are growing. I tell them from time to time that that song is Markus's favourite or a funny story about us as kids. I can talk about him. Sometimes if I think about the day he died I am in absolute grief. That pain is so real and there is very little I can do about it. I worry sometimes that one day one of my kids will battle Markus's battle and I will not be able to save them. Its a real fear but I pray that that will never come.

Right now as I write this I hear Markus saying "Karra you will be fine, your a good Mom and you will know what to do if that ever comes". My brother and I had some big arguments and its true of any sibling but I did always look up to him. If heaven is real Markus. Look out for us. Look after Mom and Dad they really miss you. Life is so different without you. I miss you.

Anyways, I love you Markus