Maybe a Change?

A few things that may ring true to anyone that has dealt with a Addict in there life that may be living or have passed on was brought to me by my therapist .She recommended to me a book called Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. It is a fathers story of living with a meth addicted son and the powerless struggle a Fathers has. Anyways the reason she recommended it was because there are no answers or rules to addiction. I have read a lot of books from the addicts point of view. I have never read anything from the people who lived with addicts. So I never had any answers on how to cope and what I was feeling .Here is a couple excerpts from the book

"Anyone who has lived through it, or those who are now living through it, knows that caring about an addict is as complex and fraught and debilitating as addiction itself. At my worst, I even resented Nic because an addict, at least when high, has momentary respite from his suffering. There is no similar relief for parents or children or husbands or wives or others who love them."

"I became addicted to my child's addiction. When it preoccupied me, even at the expense of my responsibilities to my wife and other children, I justified it. I thought, How can a parent not be consumed by his child's life-or-death struggle"

"in order to make sense of something that cannot be made sense of is common in the families of addicts, but it's not all we do. We deny the severity of our loved ones problem, not because we are naive, but because we can't know."

I have these things highlighted. I have them highlighted because for me it spoke so loudly and hit home. I felt so guilty because I truly felt if I just tried harder Markus would have been alive. I truly believed if I didn't chose my own children and husband over him he would be here today. My therapist told me.... "Karra even if you gave up everything for him the result would have been the same maybe a few months later or years. Markus needed to do it. He had to find that grace to stop. No one else could have fixed it." I know I resented when people said it before. I said you don't know our family. I am finally starting to understand how true what she said to me was. 7 months and for some reason that statement is something I am starting to believe. I was just as sick from my brothers addiction as he was. I may not have spiked needles in my arm but I lived day after day sick with worry and guilt and how I could possibly help him. I did feel like a failure as a sister. I worried and tried to unlock the enigma of why and what would have caused such severe pain in him to even start doing hard core drugs. I now know this is a useless journey. I will never have a answer because addiction is senseless. The truth is a majority of real drug addictions are not the poor and destitute. They are highly intelligent, successful people that everyone views as high achievers. They are people other people generally look up to as role models. This is where most addictions are actually found. I have decided to make a living memoriam to my brother. There is nothing I can do to bring him back but I can take some of the wisdom he has given me and let that live on. I am starting to volunteer at the homeless shelter and food bank. Markus believed in me as a good mother and person. I have been so hyper focused on his death that I have not been living my life. I am/was avoiding life. How is that doing anyone any good? Living doesn't mean I don't miss him. Living doesn't mean I have just forgotten. Making changes in things I truly believe in is a way to embrace Markus.

Anyways, I love you Markus

This Week

I have been very troubled this week. Lost in my thoughts. My counselling appointment this week was on Monday and today is Friday. This week in counselling we talked a lot about acute grief and the stages I need to come too to start healing. I have to come to acceptance that I will never have a answer to Markus's death. She also talked to me about making a living memoriam to him. To put myself into something he would be proud of and I can say I am doing this for Markus. She mentioned maybe it should be my children as Markus has said he is so proud of me and as a Mother and he really loved my kids. Surprisingly this made me sad all week. Instead of throwing myself into this idea I have recoiled and slept and barely been able to talk to those around me. I want to hide. I love my children. I haven't been able to really commit to anything lately. Well at all. Commitment just isn't a part of me right now. I hate failing and I let so many people down if I commit and back down. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for this. I am endlessly apologizing for my lack of effort. I just wish there was a box I can crawl into and come out of when I am ready and not disappoint anyone else until that day. We also talked about my open minded nature. How I look at every ones faults and except them either way but I cannot do this for myself. I am too hard on myself. I am hard on myself. I hate being pathetic and weak. Right now I am both of those things. Its hard to just let go. Maybe someone will come along and give me great advice soon that will hit home. Where I can just let go... Until then I think I like the box idea.

Anyways Markus, I love you.

Second Skin

I've thought about it a million times
It takes all my strength just to keep it calm
I have to tell myself, just let it breathe
holding it inside will only help to do me in
Each time I close my eyes I see another chain
it's one I can't forget, something I can not break out of
I need a second skin, something to hold me up
can't seem to get out of this hole
I've dug myself right back in
Just to wake up tells me I must be brave
It hits me like a drug shot into my vein
It's not as delightful of a pain
immobilizing meal most makes me think I'm dead
I need a second skin something to hold me tough
Can't do it on my own sometimes I need just a little more help
I want that chance to give every drop that's left in me
I need a second skin something I can not break out of
I tell myself, just let it breathe
It's a calmness I'm always searching for
But the dirt it gets so heavy it falls above my head
seeping from under my feet it just keeps on getting deeper
I need a second skin something to hold me tough
Can't do it on my own sometimes I need just a little more help
I've got that chance to give every drop that's left in me
I need a second skin something I cannot break free of
Though no one ever said it'd be easy
Still one's left to deny the choice that comes between your willingness to survive
Though you're knowing what you stand up against a world set to deceive
You need a special strength
I've got that second skin
I've got that chance to give
I've got the only way that I know how to live with it
I need a second skin something to hold me tough
I need a second skin something I cannot break out of

-Mia Zapata

11 Years ago

11 years ago at exactly this time I thought I was ruining my life. I was in labour with my first baby. I was 20 years old. I was about to become a single Mom. I was in so much pain and I was so afraid of what lied ahead of me. A baby. Every young persons fear. To be alone and to anticipate what most people find the most important day of there own life. I watched the clock. So I remember my feelings at each hour. The torment of contractions. The fear of having a baby coming out of my body. Little did I know my life wasn't ending it was just beginning. I was going to have a true purpose. A true reason to excel.

I remember looking up at my Daddies eyes. He was so afraid. He was so worried about my pain. He held my hand silently through every contraction. My Mom was there too. Waiting and filled with excitement that her first grandchild was going to be born. A pivotal point in every ones life. I had no idea how much things would change. I knew they would I just didn't know how much they would. I didn't know it was actually going to get better to be Mother. To let go and love so freely. Thank you Jacob for coming into my life. Everyday you brighten my world. You gave and still give me focus. I true unconditional love. Eternally your mother with so much love and gratitude.

Anyways Markus, I love you

Counselling.

So I went to counselling meeting yesterday. It went well except for the fact I had to drive deerfoot. Deerfoot sets of so much panic for me. I was so scared that I would have to drive home after my appointment because it was 4pm. Rush hour is hell for me. The road is so congested with impatient drivers going very fast speeds. I am so afraid I find I am swerving to avoid unpredictable drivers which all said and done makes me a unpredictable driver. I am so afraid because of my fear that I will cause a accident. My therapist was actually really helpful in making me face the irrational thoughts that I have when driving in fast paced congested traffic. We talked about hoe many accidents I have been in and how many fatal accidents actually happen compared to the amount of people on the road. She also gave me a very good piece of advice.... stop reading the newspaper and watching the news.

We also talked about me writing here. About putting all my thoughts so any one can see it and maybe i was holding back and not being honest in my writing in fear someone may judge me. I did tell here I like writing here and if she ever read this she would see I don't hold back. I say it no matter how bad I feel. How guilty and sad my thoughts can be I still put it down. I know I am not the only person that ever thinks these kind of thoughts. I think if more people were honest we wouldn't feel nearly as crazy or out of control in our own lives. Unfortunately the truth is people are generally guarded because they don't want to be labelled as faulty in anyway even though everyone will admit to feeling faulty. I guess part of our journey in life is to just let go and ideals and enjoy ourselves. Seriously. Sounds simple but we are human. We feel guilt, rage, incompetence, jealousy and sadness. I think being a woman I am consumed more by these feelings. I do do things out of guilt and a feeling of obligation then just saying no.

Which brings up the next thing we talked about. I stay up very late. I stay up late to cry. I don;t mean the tear rolling down my cheek sad I mean the ugly cry. The snot bubble cry. The kind of cry when our outsides feel like they are coming out of our stomachs and into every loud weep and breath a piece of my heart and being is released. I don't like crying in front of other people. I am ok with the tear rolling down my cheek cry but that other cry makes people uncomfortable. I know it does because when I see people cry like that I do everything to make them feel better. So I cry all by myself. We talked about what does this do crying in this deep sorrow by myself. First all waiting for people to be absent so I can do this is telling myself I am ashamed of being sad. I ashamed to admit that grief hurts so bad I must grieve in complete loneliness. Its my own fault that I can't simply pull up my socks and move on. This is not true but it is. We are taught that grief is private and should be done alone. The question is why? If friends are really friends then they can share your grief and help you. They themselves will have to feel this kind of grief one day. Without having a example of grieving and kind of a guideline they too can feel alone and overwhelmed past a logical place. This made sense to me. I have never been a solitary person so why do I feel the need to be one now. We also talked about how unproductive the next day of staying up late crying can effect my family. They don't get Mom or Wife. The get tired ready to cry again woman. She really wants me to cry more is what she got to. That I am still in acute grief and I have a lot of steps I need to do before I can find some sense of peace. So here I am writing. Trying not to forget what I learned. I will leave those thoughts there.

Anyways, I love you Markus