This Week

I have been very troubled this week. Lost in my thoughts. My counselling appointment this week was on Monday and today is Friday. This week in counselling we talked a lot about acute grief and the stages I need to come too to start healing. I have to come to acceptance that I will never have a answer to Markus's death. She also talked to me about making a living memoriam to him. To put myself into something he would be proud of and I can say I am doing this for Markus. She mentioned maybe it should be my children as Markus has said he is so proud of me and as a Mother and he really loved my kids. Surprisingly this made me sad all week. Instead of throwing myself into this idea I have recoiled and slept and barely been able to talk to those around me. I want to hide. I love my children. I haven't been able to really commit to anything lately. Well at all. Commitment just isn't a part of me right now. I hate failing and I let so many people down if I commit and back down. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt for this. I am endlessly apologizing for my lack of effort. I just wish there was a box I can crawl into and come out of when I am ready and not disappoint anyone else until that day. We also talked about my open minded nature. How I look at every ones faults and except them either way but I cannot do this for myself. I am too hard on myself. I am hard on myself. I hate being pathetic and weak. Right now I am both of those things. Its hard to just let go. Maybe someone will come along and give me great advice soon that will hit home. Where I can just let go... Until then I think I like the box idea.

Anyways Markus, I love you.