Counselling.

So I went to counselling meeting yesterday. It went well except for the fact I had to drive deerfoot. Deerfoot sets of so much panic for me. I was so scared that I would have to drive home after my appointment because it was 4pm. Rush hour is hell for me. The road is so congested with impatient drivers going very fast speeds. I am so afraid I find I am swerving to avoid unpredictable drivers which all said and done makes me a unpredictable driver. I am so afraid because of my fear that I will cause a accident. My therapist was actually really helpful in making me face the irrational thoughts that I have when driving in fast paced congested traffic. We talked about hoe many accidents I have been in and how many fatal accidents actually happen compared to the amount of people on the road. She also gave me a very good piece of advice.... stop reading the newspaper and watching the news.

We also talked about me writing here. About putting all my thoughts so any one can see it and maybe i was holding back and not being honest in my writing in fear someone may judge me. I did tell here I like writing here and if she ever read this she would see I don't hold back. I say it no matter how bad I feel. How guilty and sad my thoughts can be I still put it down. I know I am not the only person that ever thinks these kind of thoughts. I think if more people were honest we wouldn't feel nearly as crazy or out of control in our own lives. Unfortunately the truth is people are generally guarded because they don't want to be labelled as faulty in anyway even though everyone will admit to feeling faulty. I guess part of our journey in life is to just let go and ideals and enjoy ourselves. Seriously. Sounds simple but we are human. We feel guilt, rage, incompetence, jealousy and sadness. I think being a woman I am consumed more by these feelings. I do do things out of guilt and a feeling of obligation then just saying no.

Which brings up the next thing we talked about. I stay up very late. I stay up late to cry. I don;t mean the tear rolling down my cheek sad I mean the ugly cry. The snot bubble cry. The kind of cry when our outsides feel like they are coming out of our stomachs and into every loud weep and breath a piece of my heart and being is released. I don't like crying in front of other people. I am ok with the tear rolling down my cheek cry but that other cry makes people uncomfortable. I know it does because when I see people cry like that I do everything to make them feel better. So I cry all by myself. We talked about what does this do crying in this deep sorrow by myself. First all waiting for people to be absent so I can do this is telling myself I am ashamed of being sad. I ashamed to admit that grief hurts so bad I must grieve in complete loneliness. Its my own fault that I can't simply pull up my socks and move on. This is not true but it is. We are taught that grief is private and should be done alone. The question is why? If friends are really friends then they can share your grief and help you. They themselves will have to feel this kind of grief one day. Without having a example of grieving and kind of a guideline they too can feel alone and overwhelmed past a logical place. This made sense to me. I have never been a solitary person so why do I feel the need to be one now. We also talked about how unproductive the next day of staying up late crying can effect my family. They don't get Mom or Wife. The get tired ready to cry again woman. She really wants me to cry more is what she got to. That I am still in acute grief and I have a lot of steps I need to do before I can find some sense of peace. So here I am writing. Trying not to forget what I learned. I will leave those thoughts there.

Anyways, I love you Markus