Maybe a Change?

A few things that may ring true to anyone that has dealt with a Addict in there life that may be living or have passed on was brought to me by my therapist .She recommended to me a book called Beautiful Boy by David Sheff. It is a fathers story of living with a meth addicted son and the powerless struggle a Fathers has. Anyways the reason she recommended it was because there are no answers or rules to addiction. I have read a lot of books from the addicts point of view. I have never read anything from the people who lived with addicts. So I never had any answers on how to cope and what I was feeling .Here is a couple excerpts from the book

"Anyone who has lived through it, or those who are now living through it, knows that caring about an addict is as complex and fraught and debilitating as addiction itself. At my worst, I even resented Nic because an addict, at least when high, has momentary respite from his suffering. There is no similar relief for parents or children or husbands or wives or others who love them."

"I became addicted to my child's addiction. When it preoccupied me, even at the expense of my responsibilities to my wife and other children, I justified it. I thought, How can a parent not be consumed by his child's life-or-death struggle"

"in order to make sense of something that cannot be made sense of is common in the families of addicts, but it's not all we do. We deny the severity of our loved ones problem, not because we are naive, but because we can't know."

I have these things highlighted. I have them highlighted because for me it spoke so loudly and hit home. I felt so guilty because I truly felt if I just tried harder Markus would have been alive. I truly believed if I didn't chose my own children and husband over him he would be here today. My therapist told me.... "Karra even if you gave up everything for him the result would have been the same maybe a few months later or years. Markus needed to do it. He had to find that grace to stop. No one else could have fixed it." I know I resented when people said it before. I said you don't know our family. I am finally starting to understand how true what she said to me was. 7 months and for some reason that statement is something I am starting to believe. I was just as sick from my brothers addiction as he was. I may not have spiked needles in my arm but I lived day after day sick with worry and guilt and how I could possibly help him. I did feel like a failure as a sister. I worried and tried to unlock the enigma of why and what would have caused such severe pain in him to even start doing hard core drugs. I now know this is a useless journey. I will never have a answer because addiction is senseless. The truth is a majority of real drug addictions are not the poor and destitute. They are highly intelligent, successful people that everyone views as high achievers. They are people other people generally look up to as role models. This is where most addictions are actually found. I have decided to make a living memoriam to my brother. There is nothing I can do to bring him back but I can take some of the wisdom he has given me and let that live on. I am starting to volunteer at the homeless shelter and food bank. Markus believed in me as a good mother and person. I have been so hyper focused on his death that I have not been living my life. I am/was avoiding life. How is that doing anyone any good? Living doesn't mean I don't miss him. Living doesn't mean I have just forgotten. Making changes in things I truly believe in is a way to embrace Markus.

Anyways, I love you Markus