Filling my Pockets with Rocks

So I have been having a lot of nightmares lately. One that really bothered me was I was standing at a river and it was cold out and I started picking up big rocks and filling my pockets. I could feel the wind on my face and its icy sting. The river was moving fast and it was Autumn. I could see the leaves were all gold and brown. I was filling my coat pockets and my pants pockets with these icy rocks. I didn't care that I was about to walk into the river. I didn't care I was a Mom and daughter of parents who lost a child. I didn't care people loved me and were going to be mad at me. Then I woke up. I felt so ashamed of myself for even dreaming such a thing. I am not suicidal and I kept it to myself. It was a heavy dream that kept creeping up to me when I was awake. The sting, the sound and the colours of the leaves and the river.

I went to grief counselling today. Actually I went to my one on one therapy and I started my Sibling loss support group as well. That was 3 hours of therapy in total today. I told my one on one therapist about my dream. How it bugged me. How I felt ashamed of my subconscious for even thinking it. I also told him how everything right now is overwhelming me. I talked about how Tim is getting worn out. I understand this but it makes me so sad and stressed out. He sits up late at night and doesn't come to bed until long after I am asleep. I need to respect his space. Its months of dealing with me and all my anxieties, depression and impulsion. I also told my therapist that Markus's birthday is coming up. November 24th. I am so sad about this. I don't wanna be alone that day but truth is people work. I told him my Mom has H1N1. How I try hard not to read the media's overview of this but I can;t help but read it. I told him about the start of Volunteering at the Drop In center and working in the art center as part of my back to work therapy. I told him how I feel like I am failing at being a good friend to my friends. I feel like I am stepping a few steps back on my therapy.

Then at the end on the session he said so now do you know why you dreamt about filling your pockets with rocks? Your carrying a lot of emotions. Your walking straight into a river and you feel like your going to drown no matter what people may think. He talked to me about making plans to lighten the load. I have no idea what I am going to do. But I am sure glad he understood I am not suicidal just overwhelmed. I am glad he could help me understand that dream.

Anyways Markus, I love you