Nightmares.

So I have this wicked cough. I get pounding headaches and I feel like I am drowning in my own saliva. Tim got it a few weeks before me and we joke that it is swine flu. A problem with this cough is its hard to stay asleep at night. You wake up coughing with every muscle you have. Last night I decided to sleep on the couch as Tim has finally starting beating this thing. So I wake up every 20-30 minutes coughing and holding my head so the pounding can stop for a minute.

I had nightmares all night. I mean all night. I was brought back to just after Markus died. That extreme pain and loneliness. That complete and absolute sorrow. It hurts so bad to think back on it. It still hurts but with my therapy I am starting to see a light a bit. The nightmares all night though kind of threw my day off. I didn't want to move. Its just real, Markus is really dead. Its sad when you wake up from a nightmare and realize nothing has changed. I will not speak to Markus again or hug him ever..... ever.... I will never have a recovered brother. I will not see this one addiction beat. I know its true. When living with a addict in your life you are just as sick. I am finally really seeing that. I also know in my own recovery of grief I will have fall backs. Days of complete misery because another day I am alive and Markus is dead. I cannot change anything about that. I can only except never having a answer and remembering him for all he taught me.

Nightmares are nightmares. Sometimes we wake up and we totally still involved in a living one. Sometimes we wake and maybe disturbed by our own monsters but we are safe in our beds. All I truly know is you can't just stop feeling. Maybe excepting all our feelings, even the ones that scare us and make us so depressed we can barely move is ok. Just know that at some point we also get great feelings. For example. ... Tim pulling me close to him and stroking my hair. Liam coming out of no where and wrapping his arms around me to tell me Mommy I really love you. Ava in her sweet voice talking about her stuffed animals and giving them names like cuddles. Or Jacob with such strong leadership skills that he volunteers helping the autistic kids at school and he never once told me to brag. He just does it because he likes it. Those are good feelings. Nightmares eventually fade. I will never forget Markus. Not ever.

Anyways , I love you Markus