Its late

I sat in my bed with tears in my eyes. Staring at my husband in the dark. Trying to redefine myself. How can My big brother be dead? He is a part of my identity. He is what makes me the middle child. The only girl in a family of three kids. He made mistakes but he was suppose to prove to me that he could overcome them. There is no way he is gone forever. I cannot be without him. He is suppose to get married, have children and our kids could play together. I laid there. Staring at the sillouette of my husband. I just wanted to scream. You love me right!! Your not going are you? Still with me Tim. I am sorry I am sad and out of sorts but it doesn't matter. You still love me right? You aren't going to leave? I am what you want. Right? I cannot comprehend normal tasks. I can't even fathom what it is like to watch me. Pretending to be ok. All I want to do is fade away and forget any of this has happened. Markus is still alive right? He is not a addict anymore. He has a beautiful Californian wife and a daughter and a dog. That he cherishes. I will visit with my children and he is going to be a proud uncle and I will be a proud aunt. I hate this. I hate pretending. I hate that he died. It is not fair. I have two brothers. Nothing is allowed to change here. Nothing. Desperation makes me feel pathetic. I am pathetic sometimes. But it isn't the end of the world.

Anyways I love you Markus.