Writing here.

I have decided to start a blog. I want to see how I will change and grow with my finding some contentment in my life as it is now. I want to share with anyone who I could possibly help. I want to be completely honest in my grief. I am sure in time I will contradict myself and I think this will be part of my own healing process. This will be my own online journal. I am sure I will write a lot of my pain and hurt and sorrow. I will also try to write my endeavours and accomplishments.

My brother Markus was the oldest child in my family. He is 3 years older then me. He battled all sorts of addictions all his adult life. This is a frustrating and incomprehensionable disease. So many people are affected by this. Actually I don't know of a single person who doesn't know someone without a addiction in there own lives. Up until now I have only seen people recover from this disease. I have never seen anybody die from being a addict until now. I never in a million years would believe my big brother, the intelligent and strong man would succumb. I lived in fear that it was a possibilty that it could happen. Its been two months since my brother died from a heroin overdose. He died on February 28, 2009.

So two months of being numb. Two months of my brain just pretending he moved away. Two months of either sleeping too much or not enough. Two months of nightmares. Two months of what could I have done. What should I have done. Why didn't I do more? Two months of trying to forgive Markus. Two months of loving and missing him. Two months of being lost. Two months of numbing myself by starring at the computer screen googling everything and anything that I could think about. Two months of trying not to follow in his footsteps. But drinking anyways. Then beating myself up becasue I did. Because all I want to do is stay numb. I want to be able to breathe. To breathe again. To fall asleep peacefully. To watch my kids and love every ounce of them. To live my own life. He died. I didn't. But I am not living. I am starring.

Anyways. I love you Markus.