Another Day

So what can I say now. I have a million thoughts and a million things I have been meaning to say but when I sit here and start typing its like my mind goes blank.

I had a very sad thought before I fell asleep the other night. I have trouble with the idea of God and heaven. Even though I want so badly to know when I cross over to heaven I will have people there and we will reunite. I was about to fall asleep and I was thinking when we are die we really do stop. That there is no afterworld and we cest to exist. That means I really will never see Markus again. I was so incredibly sad at this idea I cried. I know my faith hasn't really been there for years. That the idea that here is a big guy in the sky is watching over us and is going to choose if we are bad or good is a far fetch idea to me. But to stop existing, to not see those we love and have gone before us its killing me. All afterworld answers are answered by living humans that have faith in something. They are Christian, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist, Pagan or at lest something that is organized. I don't have that. When ever I have looked at the options I can't stand the politics of good or bad. Of truth or lies, right or wrong. I have no faith in people telling people what to believe. Because of all of this I am left with no faith. The bible is written by man not God. We are told to have faith in it because a man said it was the word of God. A Man said it.

So I write here. I write here because I am alone. I know people die and that is a part of life. Most people have faith in something. They can tell me Markus is with the angels. They can tell me he is in the rainbows and my memories. That he watches over me and that he loves me. What if everything that is ment to give me comfort is a lie. That when Markus stopped breathing he stopped existing and now all I have is a memory.

I guess I need to have a little faith.

Anyways Markus I love you (and I hope you have a little faith in me.)