I went to my family doctor today. I got to read the results of my Psyc. consult. It is amazing how they can generalize you in a hour. Scary actually. I am a little overwhelmed but she was accurate enough. I talked to my doctor today about leaving for my 14 hour car trip to Manitoba for my family reunion. He said just don't go. I told him I can't I promised my Mom I would go. I really wish I could afford plane tickets though. The drive is going to be unbearable. The family will be overwhelming. I know there will be a lot of people coming to give me condolences over Markus. That scares me. I know I am going to cry a lot or drink even more so I don't cry. It is going to be rough. I am going to feel really uncomfortable. Oh I hope Tim can anchor me well. Hold me and tell me I am beautiful and I will be ok. I just wanna be a good person. I just wanna be ok. I don't want to have anxiety anymore. I also don't want a dead brother. I guess I can't change that.
I went to my friends Angels stagette on Friday. We went to strippers and I ordered a tarot reader for before that. She read people more then the cards but everyone enjoyed there reading over all. She told me some stuff. I am remembering bits and pieces. I was pretty well into drinking by the time she read me. I had fun and a slow next day.
Is it possible that I will feel ok? Soon? Is it possible that I get a grasp on my own life? That I can take my children out for outings again? I miss the mountains and zoo and just plain having fun with them. I love them so much. I look at them I hope I never have to go through with what my Mom is going through right now. I really don't have much to say today. Just wanted to journal a bit so I don't miss too much. I feel if I don't get my thoughts out on paper I will forget them. Well in this case on my computer screen.
Anyways, I love you Markus.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment