2am

2am the world is so quiet. The light pollution ruins the night sky but I still see the stars and I look up wondering if there is God, if there is life beyond me. I sometimes wish I could just know this so I can look up and see Markus. To know he is here, beside me in my quiet moments. In my awe moments. In my wonderings so maybe someone else I love that I long for can hold my thought. To hold this moment with me. Just little star in the sky look down.... the only thing greater then you I found. I wrote that in a song after my son was born. Now I want it to mean something else. Sometimes it is so overwhelming to remember Markus is really gone and I have to be without him for the rest of my life.

I watched a movie today about a dead girl. She was a prostitute and there was 4 stories written about her death made a mark on peoples lives. This made me sad because how did Markus death effect people? People say they feel so bad for me that I have to know what a tramatic loss is like. I know I felt bad about the movie but I never thought it would happen to me and wrapping my brain around it hurts so bad because I don't wanna except it. Even though I have no choice. This is hard.

Anyways, I love you Markus