I haven't written that much this month. I think mostly because I am trying my hardest to pull my socks up and enjoy Christmas. To enjoy and appreciate the things I do have. So here are the things I am thankful and appreciative of.
I have Tim. Tim and I may fight but i know fighting is healthy. Tim loves me and I love Tim. I often wonder if he actually knew what he was signing up for when he asked me to Marry him. I to this day hope he still is happy with his decision. Without Tim in my life I don't know if this year was even possible to take on. Tim has a way of just holding me. I am much bigger then him but his arms feel so strong when he puts them around me. I feel so safe and he offers me this place with him. I love when Tim looks at me and smiles. Tim may not talk about feelings or clean or do things I wish he did. I guess if he did those things maybe I wouldn't like him as much.
I love you Tim thank you for loving me.
I have my children. Children are the only unconditionally love you will ever experience in your life. I have really found this out. No matter how much your children may upset you or disappoint you you love them. My children have not reached those teenager year yet but the are starting to build there own characters. Jacob my little smart man who is kind and thoughtful of those around them. Ava my princess, The girl was brought on this earth to be selfless and kind. I have never met a kinder girl and I hope the bitterness kind people sometimes get will never change that greatness about her. Liam... my joker. Liam brightens my day with his off the wall remarks and his either bravery or stupidity (I am not sure what it is yet) of living in Liam land. I for see a busy future with teacher meetings with that one. But he sure can make me laugh.
My Friends. One thing is so very true and I will always acknowledge. When a woman has a family and a husband what she needs is a strong backbone. A woman needs good girlfriends. Girlfriends that acknowledge there own flaws and accept them. Girlfriends that realize not everyone does everything right but in time everyone will find a answer as long as no one places judgment on them. Sometimes a girl needs to drink but that girl also needs a friend to pick her up and have a coffee with her. She needs to not always hear what is wrong with her and how to fix it. Just someone to relay the frustrations and give you acknowledgment that what your feeling is ok. Feelings are ok. No one can be happy all the time. Without a bit of sadness how would we ever know when we are truly happy?
My Family. This year has been incredibly hard on my family. To be a surviving sibling. To watch my Moms eyes change. To see that little sparkle completely blank out. I know my Mom loves my youngest brother and I. I also knows she misses Markus so bad that a piece of her may never return. To be honest with you a piece of me is never going to return. Watching my Mom this year has really proven to me she is a very strong woman. People always say if I lost any of my children I would die. That that is there worst fear. It is my worst fear. I also know I have no choice over this. People die. People can die unfairly, untimely, and they can die with never having contentment. My Dad has had a rough year. I watch him mourn quietly while my Mom mourns a bit louder and he focuses on making her happy. My heart aches every time I see my parents or Little Brother because this loss made a big hole in our lives. I am still thankful we are all here though. I am thankful that part of us pulled together this year.
I have never felt so lost and completely useless until this year. I have learned a lot about myself this year. I am wise. I don't think people just say that to other people. I have been told for a long time I was wise but I never believed it. I was wise enough to realize I helpless over this situation and I seeked out help. I was wise enough to trust someone and letting them help me. I was wise enough to still love my children and husband during this very dark time. I was wise enough to allow myself to cry in front of my friends. This year was about falling into a darkness and learning how strong people really are. How strong I really am. Even though I no problem letting someone else take the roped for a while. I am still here. I will be returning to work in a few days.
My brother maybe gone but he still lives. He lives through my Mom and Me and my Dad, my children, my little brother and all the people he has meet through out his short life. I will keep my living memoriam for him. I will still talk about drug abuse and how it affected my life. I will still reach out to others that need a listening ear. I will be a better Mom because Markus was proud of me and the type of mother I am. 2010 starts tonight at midnight. I look forward to 2010. A new decade. A new wiser, stronger person I have found in myself. So my final blog of 2009 I will leave off with I love you all. Sometimes we may never know the strength we carry but you may surprise yourself when you find it.
Anyways Markus I love you . Happy New year!
Love your little sister Karra
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