Its been awhile

So a lot has been going on in my world since I last wrote. I have returned to work. Its going good and I am falling back into place in my schedules. I still find it hard to look at the world. I still feel like this giant piece of the puzzle is missing. People seem blurry. People seem ungrateful. They complain about small things. I know one day I will be back there too just I am not right now.

I have taken in my nephew. Lots of changes there and I am planning a road trip to Disneyland with the kids. We have no money to go but we are just going. I trust that everything will work out. It always seems too.

I have been really sad lately. 10 days until the one year anniversary. I still can't believe Markus is really gone. I still have trouble seeing his picture and when people ask me how am I doing I still lie. I think everyone expects that I should be further along then I am in my grief but this is such a hard thing to overcome. I know I am a hell of a lot better then I was 6 months ago. I drink way less. I do more things. Those things I do are no longer exposure therapy but a actual feeling of wanting to go out. I cried on Valentines day for 7 hours. I woke up to go to work the next day with swollen eyes. I was hoping no one would ask why my eyes were so swollen. I think people just thought it was a lack of sleep.

Having my nephew around helps with the distraction. I still want to cry though. I have had some really sleepless nights and nightmares. My therapist said it was because of anniversary coming up. I will be stopping my sessions with her soon as I have returned to work. I think I am going to ask her if I can still see her once a month privately. Its just she knows all of this and to go through all of this again with someone else its a long story to tell.

I feel like my friends have pulled away or maybe I just feel so different now that bond I had with them has slowly faded. Everyone is busy and doing other things now. I miss that closeness. I wrote a memoriam for the paper for the anniversary. It was part of my plan to cope with this day. It was $120. Money I can't really afford but felt I had to do. That's less money for this road trip.

I guess I need to know that I will not be forgotten. I need to find a goal and stick to it. I guess I need a great distraction and hope for something good to come. I am so lonely lately. I miss Markus so much and I think people are seeing it and they don't want to talk about it anymore.

Anyways Markus, I love you