Chasing the Dragon

A year ago yesterday my brother woke up. He got into a fight with my parents because they confronted him on using. He denied it and called everyone assholes and left. My Mom came over to babysit my kids so I could work and went home when Tim got home. I got home and got the phone call. The one I had been living in fear of for a long time at 11:30pm.

After my brother left he went to the Smitty's restaurant by my parents house. He sat there and had a beer. He talked to the waitress and mention it was cold outside but he was moving to California in 6 weeks to marry his soul mate. He played a couple VLTS and asked to use the phone. He paid his bill and the waitress thought he left. The establishment does random bathroom checks and the man who checked the men's bathrooms found my brother seizing through a bathroom stall on the floor. They had recently renovated and put in full walls and solid doors for each bathroom stall. They called mall security and a ambulance. Its took 27 minutes for them to get the door off. The ambulance shocked my brothers heart which was now not beating. He was now without oxygen for a unknown period of time and guessing it was 45 minutes. On the counter in the bathroom they found his drug bag out. It was recently used.

At 6pm when my Mom got home she saw the police outside her house. She thought Markus and my Dad got into a big fight and she walked in to deal with another crazy incident. The news was Markus was in ICU. He had overdosed. When she called me at 11:30pm I sat in the middle of my kitchen floor. I sat there crying and filled with frustration that how can he keep doing this too us. I still didn't know the severity of all this. The next day I was getting ready for work. I texted 2 of my friends and told them about Markus's overdose. They said I needed to call my work and not go. They said I need to go to the hospital and see him. I was so fucking mad. I wanted to beat him with a big baseball bat for being so selfish. I didn't want to see him or hear him talk. I didn't want to feel sorry for him. He is always fucking up. I am sick of it. A friend came over to watch my kids while I went to the hospital.

I enter the ICU and said I was Markus Coutu sister. I enter the room and I see all these machines hooked up to my brother. His lungs are fighting and he breathing very heavily. Actually the machine is breathing heavily for him. He is not awake and he will never wake again. The nurse there is nice. She explains a couple of the machines and there jobs. I know a bit. She then tells me he is sedated because he is posturing. Posturing is something our bodies do when we die. Our limbs and muscles want oxygen so they flex out. They need to keep him sedated so he doesn't pull out any of his tubes. I see his urine bag. Its dark and it has crystals in it. My heart is sinking fast. I know he isn't going to make it. If Markus ever woke up from that point he would need to live in a long term care home. He will never be the same again. I know. I stay for 3 hours listening to my Mom and Aunt and that overwhelming feeling like I just can't cope with this comes over me. I leave. I drive home and I can't see. I run every light red blindly and walk in the back of my house and collapse. My brother is going to die and there is fuck all I can do about it. I beg and pray for every one to save him. If anyone that has faith ask God to help him. I still don't have faith but I was desperate for a miracle.

Tim arranges for his Mom and my best friend to take the kids to swimming, gymnastics and hockey the next morning. Tim's Mom picks up the boys and I am waiting for Ava to get picked up. I am so numb. I hate the world and think its so unjust at this moment. My cell rings and its my friend Rae asking if she should come over so I am not alone. Tim had to go to work so he is gone. Just after I answer the phone my land line rings. Its my Mom the hospital called and they need us there right away. Fuck no this really can't be happening. I start yelling at my Mom and say No Mom No. I hang up both phones and everything is swirling in my head. My muscle in my legs are so weak i need to sit on the floor. I call Tim's work. I barely get out who I need to talk to and I do remember if I even said anything when Tim gets on the phone. I do know he made it home in 10 minutes and he works half a hour away.

Ava is staring at me. I am scaring her. I am talking to myself and bawling. I am barely getting dressed. I can barely move. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know anything anymore. I don't want to go back into the room with the machines and see them shut off. I don't think I can do this. Tim walks in and gets me in the car. The closer we get to the hospital the more I don't want to go. I cry more. I stop and my legs keep giving out. Tim's basically carrying me. People keep talking to me but my mouth won't move beside wailing and sobbing. The idea of talking is unreal.

I go into the room the machine are still on. My Mom is waiting for what they need to say. Its takes over 2 hours for the doctors to talk to us. She is pleading with Markus to hold on. The machine are set to keep him alive mode but they aren't working his pulse and blood pressure is too perfect. They are actually set on preserve mode. I can see that. I know what the doctor is going to say but yet my Mom is pleading with Markus to fight. She has teddy bears around him that she bought for him the day before. I am losing my brother and he is losing his battle. Finally the doctors bring us to a Family room. They come in and look at my Mom and say "Anita it doesn't look good, Markus tests say his brain isn't working anymore and you have 2 options now(fuck your options you just gave her hope to slam her down)how did Markus feel about organ donation". My Mom looks at him shocked. What do you mean? there is nothing left ? There has got to be something else. She collapses. My Mom just lost her first born child. Her son. Her pride. She has lost it all at this moment. She falls to the ground and starts yelling at God. I hold onto her. Rick my little brother is there and he holds on to both of us. How dare this be our family. How dare this could be happening to this us. What kind of things have we done in this life to deserve this.

I look at the doctor and I lie. I said Markus and I talked about organ donation and he would donate. Maybe we did talk about this I can't remember for sure. I know I lost my Uncle six weeks before that. He needed a liver. He didn't get one. I also work in dialysis. People need organs. I am also a blood donor.

My Dad was out of town. My Mom made him go to this provincial darts tournament. She tells my Dad that Markus will be ok and she will be ok that he should go because people are depending on them. He gets to the hospital and they led him to the room we are in. My Mom has gone somewhere and I look at my Dad. I shake my head and whisper that he is gone. My Daddy steps into the hallway and cries. I hold him. This is all to surreal to be real. This is just another one of my nightmares of the fear of losing my brother to addiction.

My Mom demands a priest gives my brother his last rights. They find one. They want his organs so the find one quick. I go into the room while the priest preforms the last rights. My Dad falls on Markus body and hugging it. He tells him he loves him and my heart is now all gone. It is beyond shattered. There is no repair and they can never be a repair from that. That is something that is forever going to hunt me and make me cry. My Uncle Doug is there. My Uncle Doug's son Darcy was murder a year before. He was mistaken to be someone else and some asshole shoot him and killed him. Markus and Darcy are the same age. They were very close when we were little kids. Almost like brothers. My Uncle Doug blesses Mark and says to him to say hi to Darcy in heaven. I do my blessing. After the blessing I leave the room and I turn to Tim and say, I never want to see that body again. That's not my brother. He is gone.

People keep coming to hospital not knowing my brother died. They only know about the overdose.I have to say it a few times. I am so hungry but the idea of chewing food makes me sick. I don't think my jaw will work. I turn to my Uncle Jerry and ask him the date. He said it is February 28. My brother died February 28.

I have to go home. I have to tell the kids. Markus loved my kids and my kids adored him. Erin is there watching them with her kids. She doesn't know it all yet. I tell them to sit in a circle and hold hands. So we sit down in the living room holding hands and I tell them that when we hold hands in the circle that makes us a strong family. I am choking on my words. Erin's holding Liam's hand and she is tearing up. I tell them "you know Uncle Markus is very sick and he is in the hospital (they all reply yes), well Uncle Markus died today". Jacob is trying to keep it together but tears are streaming down his face. He really had the most time out of all my kids with Uncle Markus. We are all very sad. Jacob has crawled into my arms crying. This pain is killing me. This unbelievable world is killing me. I am dying. I am wanting to wake up from this nightmare. I refuse to do this but I have to do this. I have no chose. I have to lose my brother.

So one year ago from February 28 2009 I lost my brother. This alone hurts a lot. He chased a dragon and the dragon won. Why did my brother become a addict. What in his life was so terrible that that gave him comfort. I will never have a answer to this. The one thing that bothers me is that Markus is a name in the sea of addictions of people who lost there battles. I am a survivor of a addict. Each day is a battle to not forgot and to not always cry. Everyday is maintaining a relationship with my brother. A spiritual one because he taught me a lot. He is still teaching me things about myself. Addiction is a taboo thing. People say things like isn't it terrible he did this to himself. What a croc of shit. He didn't wake up one day saying I think I am going to be a addict and hurt everyone around me and then I am going to die. He was ashamed of himself. The drug one. He won't be the last either. How sad is that. I only hope because I grieve so openly about this that maybe someone will read this. Someone with a addiction will see no one wants to overdose. No wants to kill a piece of anyone. Maybe just maybe that I share my battle it can help someone. I miss Markus more then I can ever truly express. Everyday a piece of me is missing and probably always will be.

Anyways Markus, I love you.