Going on vacation

I am going on vacation from July 1-9th. I am going to Okanogan and I hope everything goes ok. I have been pushing myself to do more things. I am still having panic attacks and all. I went to a play last night. It was called Evil Dead the musical. It was really funny and I was with great company. I know I drink to much and I have been saying no more to drinking. I just really really like the way I feel being all carefree when I drink. I know this will be a issue if I don't become more conservative. So I will cut down again. I cannot risk a addiction. Its a crutch for sure. I also went to Fleetwood Mac during the week. For the first time I cried at a concert. I mean cried cried. Bawled. Funny how emotional I have become. I think its good though. Let it all out whenever I can otherwise I will keep it in and act out. I don't need that. No one needs me to act out.

I went for another Psyc consult. It went ok except for the part when I got there I was in a full blown panic attack. That is never fun. It aches. Last night as I was falling asleep I thought again, I really did lose my big brother. I hate how that one thought likes to come in my brain as I am falling asleep. Like I need reminding. He has been gone 4 months yesterday. 4 months of trying to look forward to the time where I can breathe and think of him without crying and without all the hurt and guilt I feel.

I try watching intervention like I use to but now I find I am pissed off when I watch it. These families are deseperate for the family members to get clean and they do. They get them back. I wonder after the show how many go back. How many lie later saying they are still clean. How many will relapse and die. Morbid thinking I know. Its terrible. I am mad because they get them back either way. I will never get Markus back. I have to go for the rest of my life without him. I have to watch myself so I don't follow in that trap. I admit I drink a lot. I admit it. I know. My crutch. My crutch to feel relaxed. Its kind of pathetic and I feel pathetic.

Anyways, I love you Markus