Back from Vacation

So I went on Vacation. Well if you wanna call it that. I love the place I went. I love the people I visited but I was so uncomfortable in my own skin. I wanted to come home everyday. I wanted to lie in bed next to Tim. I wanted the comfort of my home. I stayed because my kids love where we went. It is in the Okanogan in BC, Canada. It is a beautiful place as seen in the picture above. I tried my best to just relax and enjoy myself. I had a panic attack 10 minutes before I left. I had to calm myself down and start driving. Its hard to know I had a 8 hour car ride in front of me when I just had a attack. I am so exhausted by the attacks that I didn't think I was going to make the drive through the mountains. When I pulled out of my friends driveway 3 little birds came on my ipod. I started to cry. I knew I was going to be ok Bob Marley told me Don't worry about a thing because every little thing is going to be alright. I decided after that I am not going to worry about being crazy and thinking is this a message from my brother. If it gave me comfort and helped me calm down because I beleived it was a message I will take it.

I started Grief Counselling today. He told me to give myself a year. 5 months into this is nothing and I have made a lot of progress from me pushing myself. That there fear of leaving my home and panic attacks are very common in tramatic deaths. That they come on because no one likes surprises and in unexpected death we feel hopeless and out of control. We couldn't control our own loss so people cope by staying home referred to as cocooning. Panic comes from the unknown and the inability to control our enviroment. It is why leaving our homes become a issue we don't want any unexpected. This is a good thing to know.

We talked about how grief especially in my life can really put a strain on my relationship with Tim. That he just wants me to be back to who I was before. That he would feel hopeless and lost in how to help me. How to comfort me and how to deal with my new mental disorders. I should make more time for Tim and I and go on dates. This also sounds like something I will make a effort to do. He referred to deep grief like standing in the middle of a rushing river. You are paniked and you want to find your safety. You will slowly make your way to safety but all you really wanna do is to turn your back on it and let it take you away instead of fighting the current and slips and falls. So you should never turn your back on the river. After all it is a river and it does what it has to do.

I also told him to deal with the stress of being in public I drink. He said this is also common and you need to do what you have to do to get through it. I should keep it in check but not to worry. If it became something that you had to do to wake up or to maintain yourself daily then that becomes a problem. We all cope in our owns ways and we all cope with what works for us. Thank God. Someone understands this. I told him my worry is having a addict as my brother and my fear of bcoming him. He understood.

Anyways I love you Markus