My Anxiety is building.

I keep telling myself it is just a day. A number. I live everyday. My anxiety is still growing. I went to work for 4 hours today and I almost had a breakdown on my way to work. I have done so well this year. I thought I was missing him with a understanding on how I feel and react. Thoughts were racing through my head. The radio was talking about The Fighter(the movie). My Mom saw my painting yesterday and comment on how much she liked it and added Markus would of loved that painting. Why is it now that I feel like I am going to break down? Is it because the anniversary is coming up? Is it because everyday I cried the first year he was gone but now I don't cry everyday so I get a serious build up of emotion?

The paper wrote me a email showing me what is going to be displayed for his memoriam. Its looks good but its another thing. I know my husband doesn't get why I am so irritable right now. He keeps asking me to relax. It is so hard to relax when I know I have to face all the emotions that come with this anniversary. Why am I building myself up to explode? Why can't I make it feel like its any other day.

I wish I was like other people that grieve. The ones that lose people so close to them and then return to work after 2 weeks. They go about there lives and maintain there friendships. I really wish I wasn't this emotionally involved person. Why do I have to have the heart that shatters? I wish I was just stronger. I wish I could hold it together. I miss my brother so much. 2 years now. 2 years of trying to understand it and comprehend it all.

C.S Lewis said

"Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief."
- C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

How true is that? We are told time will heal. We are told all sorts of things. I guess in the end it doesn't matter. This hurts. On so many levels. There is never a real time when it doesn't.

Anyways Markus, I love you.