Time getting softer.

I am told in time the ideals of losing someone will get a little "softer" on you. Parts of this is true. I don't cry everyday. I have lost other people in my life. My Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, cousins and friends. For some reason losing my brother is not as simple as losing my other relatives. It really does feel like I lost a big part of my identity.

I find it odd when I meet new people and the ask me how many siblings I have. I still say 2. I have a older brother and a younger brother. I do add my older brother died 2 years ago. This always causes the person to be silent and to change the subject. I think I would do the same thing. Sometimes it stings a bit to be this honest and sometimes its like a rehearsed line. Death is taboo but we all have to face it in our lives. It shouldn't be. I guess acting like everything, everywhere is fantastic and joyous is the only way we should display ourselves in public.

I do have a lovely life. I have great kids who amaze me everyday. I have great friends and family. It just sometimes it feels like I have a poorly sewn patch hidden underneath it all. There are times I want to cry and I hold it in. Its seems like I need a time and a place for it. For this wound to leak out a bit. By the time I am alone the sting feels less and I no longer have the huge urge to just sit down and bawl. I do think this isn't great. That by holding it in I postpone my heart from allowing itself to feel.

I was at walmart earlier this week and the anxiety started to rise like it use too. I started to panic and avoid the people around me and my heart started to race. My mind got really cloudy and I wanted to escape from it all. Its been quite some time since I last had a panic attack. My therapist had told me that my panic attacks were brought on by Markus's death. That because I was trying to avoid crying around people that I let it build up until my body reacted to it. It really scared me that this started to happen this week. Anxiety attacks are terrible terrible things. You feel so helpless and afraid that its extremely hard to put into words. I thought those days were over for me.

I finally hung a picture that Markus had drawn on my wall at home. I didn't hang it for so long because it did hurt to see his art. It was another reminder that he is gone. His artwork is so beautiful though. It should be displayed. I hung it and held back some tears. I can walk past it and look at it. Maybe that means its getting softer for me.

Anyways Markus, I love you.