Almost Two Years

I have been seriously irritable this last month. I have cried and I have snapped at all the people closest to me. I couldn't understand why I was I was doing this. Then I remember, Markus. He is on my brain. He sneaks in and I realize I am mad he is dead. Everything about Markus dying makes me so bloody pissed off and I just want to smash things.

The last two years I worried so much about how people were thinking about what I was feeling and how I was doing that I started pushing everyone away. It was easier to just let myself be miserable by myself. I didn't want my friends and family to constantly worry about my mental health and the see the obsessive thoughts of Markus. I think the obsession is normal. At least I hope its normal. I did good most of this year with it but he still pops in. He was real and impacted my life. Of course these memories are not a made up story. Of course things will make me think about him. How can it not?

I watched the fighter last week. The first thing I thought was Markus would love this movie. It was about a boxer with a drug addict brother whose claim to fame was he he was a boxer who almost made it. The drug takes over. It seems in real life the drug actually wins most of the time. Of course in movies it doesn't. It gives people hope. It gives people who have a loved one with a addiction the hope that this will one day just fix itself. A moment in the addicts life and a light bulb will go off and they will be become clean. I am sure Markus had a ton of light bulbs. The drug just ended up blackening them out. I cried watching this movie. I even took a break because my own feelings kept overwhelming the story.

I just finished my memoriam for Markus. I hope it is gets to the paper in time to be published. I don't have a lot of money. I think its important for me to put it in though. I think memoriams are kind of like writing messages to the afterlife. If you put it on paper and mail it someone will read it. It will go somewhere and deep inside I like to think Markus's reads it.

Jacob sang "Let it Be" by the Beatles at Markus's funeral. So I put lyrics from that song on Markus's memoriam.

And when the broken hearted people Living in the world agree, There will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is Still a chance that they will see There will be an answer, let it be.

I know in grief counseling they talk about how a person never dies. That our memories of them keep them here with us. That is kind of true. I actually wanted to call Markus and tell him that he should see the fighter. A part of my brain thinks that somehow I could do that. I know I can't.
I hope February 28 isn't to brutal. I hope I can keep it together most of the day.

Anyways Markus, I love you.