Turning 34

When I started this blog I started it because when Markus died there really wasn't much on grief when someone died from a drug over dose. Everything I found out there was more about loss to cancer or car accidents. It was loss from an acceptable death. It wasn't about all the emotions you go through with a addict in your life and all the hurt and misery that comes with it when you lose some one to this particular disease. It is taboo. It is seen as an addict made this choice and of course this is what they tell you is in the end result... duh. I wanted to be totally honest no matter irrational the thought was. I think I have stay true that. Of course I have not been able to right every though down here. I am not by a computer and I am not always able to put into words the frustration even today I go through with Markus gone and my ability to accept it.

I turned 34 on October 5. Markus died when he was 34. My big brother. I am about to outlive him. I don't know if anyone could truly understand how this is. I was talking to my best friend about this and she lost her Dad when she was young. He was 27 when he died. The relationship she was in was tough around the time her ex turned 27. She thought that history would of course repeat itself and that his recklessness would lead her to relive her Mothers life and her children fatherless. It was a tough thought to beat and once her ex turned 28 she felt better and could breathe. I was very happy to hear that this was not a uncommon thought. So on my birthday was alone during the day. I had my moment to cry and to reminiscent about Markus. I took my time. Then I went for a pedicure. I don't think I have heard anyone talk about this part of grief. About passing the age of a older sibling. I guess I am writing it to say. It is rational to think about it. It is a tough idea. Markus will be forever 34 in my mind. I will turn 35 and I will keep going. Maybe Bob Dylan was right in writing "forever young". When you die young you are immortalize as young.

Anyways Markus, I love you.